What I Didn't Know
by L-chan
Summary: Touya sacrificed a part of himself to save Yukito, but he wasn't prepared for the consequences. Discontinued.
1. Hangover

L-chan's notes: Inspired by the many Yukito angst fics, I wondered why so few people consider things from Touya's point of view.  Boo-hoo, poor Yuki and all that, and don't get me wrong, I love Yuki, but everyone seems to think that after giving up his magic, Touya just slept for a couple days and then was fine.  I don't think it was that easy.  If I decide to continue this, it could end up as a prequel of sorts to "Shadows", but so far, I have nothing planned out.  I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here.

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 1—Hangover

"Onii-chan."

I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over, pulling my comforter over my head.  "Go away," I grunted.  I was tired, so very tired.  I just needed five more minutes of sleep.  Just five more minutes, and then I'd get up for school.__

"Onii-chan."

She wasn't going away.  I didn't want to get up.  My whole body was tired and achy, my arms and legs and everything in between.  One of my arms, independent of anything I instructed to the contrary, snaked out from beneath the blankets to grab my alarm clock from the nightstand.  That was as much energy as I had, until I saw the time.  Then I bolted up in my bed.  "It's after four!"  How long had I been asleep?

Sakura was so startled by my outburst that she dropped the cup she'd been holding.  "Hoe!"  The mug didn't crack, but its white liquid contents spilled across the floor, spreading over the wood until it reached the rug, where it began seeping into the wool.  "Oh, no!"  She bent down and vigorously rubbed at the stain with a napkin, but that only made it worse.  She halted her futile efforts to clean the spot and simply clutched the linen napkin in her hands as tears welled up in her green eyes.  "I'm sorry," she whispered shakily.  "I'm so sorry."

It was just a little spilled milk.  Nothing to cry over, as they say.  It wasn't the end of the world or anything.  "Don't worry about it," I said hoarsely.  I hardly recognized my own voice.  It sounded scratchy, like I hadn't used it in a while.  And then I felt it, the throbbing pain at my temples.  It just pounded relentlessly at the front of my brain, as if a sadistic little gremlin with a tiny mallet was happily whacking away and cackling with a twisted sort of glee after every God-awful blow.  I groaned and closed my eyes again.  "What happened?" I asked my little sister.  "I feel like I was hit by a bus and then dragged for three blocks."

Sakura looked up at me from her crouched position on the floor.  "You don't remember?"  There was a tremor in her small voice, and the tears in her emerald eyes—'kaa-san's eyes—began to fall silently.  

I was trying to remember.  There was a hazy jumble of events in my mind, and I tried to put them in the correct order, like a child's learning puzzle.  We'd been at Akizuki's house, working on our movie project.  Then what?   We were doing the scene on the balcony, and that creepy kid, the one with the amazingly powerful aura, was there, and then.... "Yuki," I said.  "Where's Yuki?  Is he okay?"

"He's fine.  He stayed up with you all night until Otou-san told him to go home and get some rest.  Do you remember?"

No, I didn't.  But there were still some fragments drifting through my brain, puzzle pieces waiting to be connected to the rest of the picture.  Let's see... we were on the balcony, and Yuki had passed out again.  Wait, I said that already.  God, my head hurt.  Okay.  So, after that... when he woke up, I told him that he didn't have to hide anymore, that I could help him.

Now I remembered.  "Yue."  He took my power.  Took it!  No, I gave it to him.  To save Yuki.  I had to.  I couldn't let him disappear.  I couldn't lose him.  Not him, too.

"That's right.  Yue-san brought you home.  Remember?"

Not really, but I nodded anyway, which I soon regretted as the pounding in my head increased to drum corps level, my own private marching band banging away in a cruel cadence.

Sakura sat down on the bed next to me and took my hand, and I mentally reached out to her, like I always did.

Only she wasn't there.

There was nothing.

I tried again, but I couldn't feel her aura.  Of course I couldn't.  I didn't have my power anymore, remember, genius?  She was there, but I couldn't feel it.  It was unsettling.  

All I felt was a huge hole.  Just an empty space deep inside of me.

It would probably go away in a few days.  This was probably normal, although I didn't know who to ask to find out.  But now I was like everyone else in the world, everyone without magic, that is, and I'd get used to it.

Right?

Sakura squeezed my hand, and she was still crying.  I hadn't seen her cry this much since... well, ever.  "I'm sorry," she said for what must have been the tenth time, and I finally realized she wasn't talking about the spilled milk.  "It's all my fault.  I wasn't strong enough.  Please be okay.  Please."

I reached out with my other hand to pat her on the head, ruffling her short honey-colored hair.  "I'm fine.  See?  Everything's okay."  I continued to pet her like she was a lost kitten as she sniffled, and then she began to hiccup, which under any other circumstances would have made me tease her.  But this wasn't the time.

It was true; she wasn't strong enough.  In a lot of ways.  She was so young, and she was under a huge amount of pressure.  I didn't know exactly what, but I could tell something big was coming, and it was taking so much out of her.  She was preparing and training, and all I knew was that Yue and that stuffed animal had something to do with it, and that gaki, too.

No, she wasn't strong enough.  I was the strong one.  I always was.  I had to be strong for her, for both of us.

She calmed down and wiped her eyes.  "I'd even brought you some milk, like Okaa-san used to make for us.  I thought it might make you feel better."

I seriously doubted that anything could make me feel better.  "Can you get me some more?"  If she felt like she'd been helpful, then she'd stop fussing over me, and I could go back to sleep.  

"Okay!"  Her cheerful tone was forced, but I appreciated the effort.  There was still a worried expression in her green eyes, and she gave me a quick hug before leaving my room.

It was then that I felt a different kind of pain, and I dragged myself out of bed and to the bathroom.  If I'd been asleep since last night, then my poor bladder had probably held on as long as it could.  At least that was one ache I could do something about.  God, I felt terrible.  It was worse than a hangover, and I didn't think I'd be able to just sleep it off.  I searched through the medicine cabinet for some aspirin and washed two of the miracle tablets down with a big gulp of tepid water.

I studied my reflection in the mirror.  I didn't look as bad as I felt, but then, that would have been impossible.  My dark hair was sticking up in the back, and my face was drawn and haggard as if I hadn't slept at all.  My skin looked pallid, and my brown eyes were dull and vacant.  My red pajamas were wrinkled, probably from tossing and turning, since I felt anything but rested, and I idly wondered who had undressed me.  Not Sakura, surely.  Probably 'tou-san.  Or maybe Yuki?  

That would have been weird.

So I wouldn't let myself think about that.

I ran my hands over my hair and splashed some water on my face, because at least I could do something about my appearance while I waited for the aspirin to kick in.

I heard the doorbell as I climbed back into bed, yearning for more sleep, but before I could close my eyes, Sakura was back with a fresh mug of warm milk and honey, and little Tomoyo hung back in my bedroom doorway.  I must have looked confused, because Sakura explained her friend's presence.

"Tomoyo-chan brought my assignments for me."

I looked from one girl to the other.  "You mean you didn't go to school?"

Sakura shook her head.  "Otou-san said I could stay with you in case you needed anything."

She really had been worried.  And I didn't like it, not one bit.  I was supposed to be the strong one.  It was my job as her onii-chan.  She was supposed to need me, not the other way around.  No matter how weak I felt, I couldn't let her see it.  "You should have gone to school, kaijuu.  They're going to hold you back."

I could see her green eyes flash, and I knew she had a good retort ready for me, but she refrained from responding to my teasing and simply held out the mug.  "Don't let it get cold," was all she said.

This wasn't good.  If I needed anything, it was for her to fight with me.  I needed things to be normal.  Maybe in a couple of days.  Maybe then she'd see that I was fine, and then this whole incident would be forgotten.

I took a sip of the milk, and it was then that I realized how cold I was.  It started to warm me, but there was one place it couldn't reach.  That hole again.  I drank the milk faster, trying to chase away the chill.

Tomoyo awkwardly stepped into my room, stopping several paces short of my bed.  "How are you feeling?" she asked in that soft voice of hers.

I felt like hell.  "I'm okay, thanks."  We'd never been close.  We'd never really even talked to each other much.  But she was a caring, polite little girl, and her concern deserved a polite, if vague, response.  She was somehow mixed up in all this, too, but I wasn't sure how much she knew about us.  About me, in particular.

"That's good," she replied, and she gave me a shy smile.  For some reason, that made me feel better than anything else had so far.  She was treating me the same way she always did—kindly and respectfully.  Out of curiosity, I mentally reached out to her, but of course I couldn't feel her, either.  Since Tomoyo didn't possess any magic, her aura was naturally much weaker than Sakura's or Yuki's, but it was still there all the same.  At least, I assumed it was.

I still couldn't believe my power was really gone.

True, it had only been one day, but would I ever get used to it?

I guessed I'd have to.

They say that when you lose one sense, the others become stronger, and that must be the case, because I could hear someone coming up the stairs.  Two someones, in fact.

'Tou-san came into my room first.  He looked incredibly relieved to see me sitting up.  I had a hundred questions for him, none of which I could ask.  Did he know what was going on?  How did he feel when Yuki—or Yue—had carried me home, unconscious?  Was he scared?  Was I going to be okay?  Who had undressed me?  Why the red pajamas?  Why had he let Sakura stay home from school?  Had anyone done my laundry?          

Instead I just smiled weakly and raised my hand in greeting.

It was unusual to see my father struggle for words, but he didn't seem to know what to say.  He didn't have to say anything.  It would be better that way, for now.  So he just put on that serene smile of his and said, "Look who I ran in to."

Yuki.

He looked like I felt.  If he'd gone home to rest, he'd done a damned lousy job of it.  For someone who'd done little else but eat and sleep the past few weeks, except for his little nighttime escapades, he looked like he could drop at any second.

He stepped forward, and it was then that I realized my weary eyes had deceived me.  When he came closer, I saw that he was putting on an act.  For me.  He didn't want to waltz in here, all powered-up, when I was too weak to dress myself.  But I saw it.  It was in his eyes.  Power.  Strength.  Sure, maybe he hadn't slept, but that had only affected his body.  I knew that he was stronger than I was.  From now on, he would be stronger.

I didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to see any of them.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.  He was trying so hard to look pathetic, his big hazel eyes round with concern behind those glasses, the ones I suspected he didn't even need.  But there was a glint of something else.  Whatever part of him was Yue was showing in his eyes, whether he knew it or not.  Taunting me.  

I should have felt sorry for him.  This had to be even harder for him than it was for me.  Everything he'd ever believed had come crashing down around him, and he couldn't possibly understand who or what he really was yet.  What must that be like?  He had this whole other identity, this whole other lifetime that he never knew about.  It had to be confusing, to say the least.  So, yes, I felt sorry for Yuki.

But not for Yue.

Everyone was looking at me.  I hadn't answered.  I wondered if I was scowling, and I tried to smile.  "I'm all right," I finally said.

"Thank God," he whispered.

Now I really felt horrible.  I was so tired, and my head was still pounding.  The makers of the aspirin had obviously lied about their product's effectiveness.  I wasn't thinking clearly, imagining conspiracies and insincerity from someone who meant so much to me.  Someone I'd sacrificed a part of myself to save.

And I'd do it again.

Wouldn't I?

Of course I would.  God, what was wrong with me?

I saw Yuki exchange a look with Sakura, and I wondered what was going on there.  Probably more of whatever she'd been keeping from me.  Well, she couldn't keep it from me anymore.  I was going to demand that she finally tell me what the hell was going on.  I deserved that much.

Everyone had questions.  I could see it.  I had questions, too.  But having them all here was exhausting.  I just wanted to go back to sleep.  I didn't want to talk about what happened.  I didn't even want to think about it.  Not now.  But how was I supposed to tell them that?

I had to be strong.  That's what was expected of me.   

I was surrounded by my family and friends, the little bit that I had.  The people who cared about me.  And I hated it.  I hated the fuss.  I hated being the center of attention.  Anyone else would have been comforted, knowing that the people they loved were there.

But I'd never felt more alone in my life.

~~-~~

Well, the last thing I need is another story to worry about, but it had been niggling at my mind, so...  ^.^;   Thank you for reading, and feel free to drop a review!  Good, bad, or indifferent, any feedback is appreciated.


	2. Adjusting

L-chan's notes: Wow, I guess I'm really doing this.  One more WIP to alternately fret over, ignore, hate, and coddle.  Ah, the joys of writing.  Thanks for reading and reviewing.  It reminds me why I like doing this in the first place, because, sometimes, I forget.  And extra special thanks to those of you who write the truly original and amazing stories that inspire me.

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 2—Adjusting

The next morning, I still felt like hell, but I got up anyway.  I refused to stay in bed any longer like some sort of invalid.  Maybe during the day I could snatch a few minutes of sleep here and there, but I had to go to school.  Things had to get back to normal as soon as possible.

Or, at least, as close to normal as anything would ever be again.

I'd set my alarm to wake me up half an hour early, just in case I couldn't get out of bed right away.  I congratulated myself for such foresight, until I realized I should have set it an hour early.  God, it surely couldn't be six o'clock already.  The sun hadn't even bothered to come up yet.  So why should I?  

When I finally crawled out of bed and completed my bathroom routine, I had to face the insurmountable task of donning the Seijou school uniform.  How the hell many pieces did that thing have, anyway?  It mocked me as I stood there in my shorts, but I accepted its challenge, and each article of clothing was successfully zipped, buttoned, or tied before I had to sit down and wait for my spent energy to return.  

It was going to be a long day.

Ten minutes and two extra-strength aspirin tablets later, I was able to make it downstairs for breakfast.  The sweet aroma of buttery hotcakes greeted me, and I immediately knew what part of my problem was.  I hadn't eaten anything in almost two days.  I hadn't even felt hungry until I saw the plate waiting for me.  Then I was ravenous.

"Morning, Onii-chan," Sakura said, pretending to be cheerful.  She was standing at the stove, flipping the last batch of pancakes onto a plate and then carrying it to her spot at the table.

"Mmm," I replied with my mouth full.  Normally I would have teased her about getting up on time, or about her cooking being inedible, but I was otherwise occupied with shoveling in enormous forkfuls of fluffy pancakes.  Food had never tasted so good.  Although, I'm sure anything would have tasted good.  She could have deep-fried one of my sneakers, and I'd be asking for seconds.  "Is there more?"  All that was left on my plate was a small puddle of syrup.

She gave me a funny look before passing me her breakfast.  "Are you sure you didn't actually switch personalities with Yukito-san?" she asked, quickly drinking her juice before I could steal that, too.

Switch personalities?  I didn't think so.  But now I understood why he was so hungry all the time.  This must have been another of the temporary side effects of losing my power, like the headaches and fatigue.  Speaking of fatigue, I needed coffee.  Lots and lots of coffee.

"Good morning, Sakura-san," my father said as he came into the kitchen.  I saw a look of surprise cross his face when he noticed me.  I'd told him I'd be going to school today, but he'd warned me not to push myself if I didn't feel up to it.  We hadn't told him anything except that I'd been overstressed with school and work, and that the long days were starting to take their toll on me.  He didn't seem to buy that, but he didn't question it.  We'd tell him everything when this—whatever it was—was all over.  "Morning, Touya-kun."

"Morning.  Are you going to eat that?"

***

All it took was one look at my bicycle to decide that I was going to walk to school.  Just the thought of having to keep my balance and stay alert, of having to push those pedals around and around, the wheels spinning in a constant, dizzying, mesmerizing rhythm.... Maybe I should have stayed in bed after all.

Sakura skated slowly in front of me, facing backwards so she could keep an eye on me.  It was almost funny how overprotective she was acting.  I wondered how long it would last.  "If you fall and break your leg, kaijuu, don't expect me to carry you."

Her expression showed worry.  "Are you feeling tired again?"

God, yes.  "No, you're just as heavy as a damn elephant."

I hoped she was saving up all these insults she was suppressing, because I could tell from the momentary flash in her eyes that she had a good one.  Instead she just spun around as we came upon Yuki's house.  "Where's Yukito-san?"

It was unusual for him not to meet us.  I had a sneaking suspicion that he was avoiding us, or, more accurately, me.  "He probably had to go on ahead," I answered.  "He fell a little behind in his schoolwork."  Between his unscheduled naps and Yue's adventures, he hadn't had the time or energy to focus on his studies.  I'd tried helping him, but he still needed to catch up in a couple of subjects.

But I honestly didn't think that was why he didn't meet us.

It was just as well.  It bought me some time.  I could foresee two possible scenarios, neither of which appealed to me at the moment.  Either he'd want to talk about it, which I wasn't ready to do, or he wouldn't, which would create an awkward tension between us until everything was out in the open.

He'd want to know why I did it.  Why I saved him by giving away such an essential part of myself.  And that was something I had to figure out for myself first.  

And something I was too tired to think about right now.  I just wanted to make it through the day.

Despite the three servings of hotcakes, two glasses of juice, and an entire pot of coffee I had for breakfast, I still felt strangely empty.  Was this how it was going to be from now on?  Would I be constantly trying to find a way to fill this hole inside me?  Even though it wasn't actually a physical hole, it manifested itself as a physical pain that ached as if someone had reached in and yanked out my very soul, kicked it around a bit, and then put it back in upside-down.  I just felt... wrong, somehow.  But it had only been two days.  It would stop hurting eventually.  I would heal.  Until then, all I could do was go on.

Sakura still had a worried expression on her face, and she looked like she wanted to say something, but we'd reached her school.  I crouched down to her level so I could look directly into her emerald eyes.  I hoped mine showed clarity and strength, because I needed her to see that I was all right.  "When I get home tonight, the three of us are going to have a talk, okay?"

"Three?"  She pointed to me, then to herself, and then her face scrunched up as she wondered who the third was.

"Go on, now, or you're going to be late," I scolded.

I could tell she was still trying to figure it out as she caught up to Tomoyo in the schoolyard.  Good.  That would give her something else to think about.  I smiled a little, just a little, as I continued on to my school.

Now that I'd left Sakura behind, I could briefly let my weariness show.  My shoulders slumped, and my arms hung limply at my sides.  I bowed my head and closed my eyes, just for a second, so I could get up the strength to walk into the building and sit down at my desk.  Nothing in the world sounded more appealing than folding my arms on that hard desktop and sleeping in the most uncomfortable position imaginable.  The homeroom teacher wouldn't mind.  I'd be surprised if his droning monotone didn't put everyone to sleep.

So, let's get a move on, Kinomoto.  One foot in front of the other.  You're not moving.  Do you want someone to come out here and find you like this?

"Touya-kun!"

Damn.

Akizuki always knew just how to appear out of nowhere at the worst times.  As usual, she pounced on me, clinging like a barnacle.  Hanging from my neck like an albatross.  The way she always attacked me made it feel like she was trying to suck my aura dry.  But Yue had beaten her to it.  

Hmm.  There was a dirty joke in there somewhere.

She let go of me suddenly and stepped back, tilting her head to the side as she considered me with a disappointed expression on her face.  "What a shame," she murmured, clucking her tongue and shaking her head.  There was a blink-and-you'll-miss-it glint of knowledge in her eyes before she reassumed her annoyingly perky grin.  "Oh, well.  I still think you're yummy," she giggled.

She knew.  I always had this feeling that there was more to her than met the eye.  She was like Yuki—or Yue, I guess—with that moon aura I couldn't help but notice.  But instead of being drawn to it, as I unfortunately often found myself, it made me suspicious and uncomfortable.  She'd obviously been trying to disguise her power, but I'd seen through her front.  On some level, I had been more powerful.

Had been.  Not anymore.  I hadn't known why she was hiding, and now I might never know.

I started to walk past her, ignoring her as I normally would, but she skipped alongside me as we entered the building, refusing to acknowledge my lack of interest.  "We need to finish our movie," she chattered, like a pesky little squirrel.  "Can you come back to my house today?  It's just that one scene, and we'll be through.  Tsukishiro-kun already said he would come, but I can't do it without my leading man.  Will you come?  Please?  Pretty please?"

God, she was exhausting.  Even if I hadn't felt so tired already, I would have thought so.  "Fine," I answered tersely, punctuating my exasperation with a weary sigh.

Satisfied with that, she finally left me alone.  Maybe she wasn't entirely insensitive.

I wish we could have finished the stupid movie the other day.  If I had to sit through an entire school day, and then work on the project, I'd be lucky if I didn't just collapse.  Yes, a nap during homeroom was sounding better and better, and I actually quickened my pace down the hallway.

I wasn't surprised to see that Yuki had in fact gone on to school without us.  He was sitting at his desk, a textbook open and a pencil in his hand, but he was staring out the window.  Either he heard me or he simply sensed my presence, because he turned around before I said anything.  "Good morning, To-ya," he said with a false cheerfulness, much like Sakura's had been.  

"Morning.  We must have missed you earlier, I guess."

He shook his head.  "I couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come here and get some work done."

His notebook was blank, and his physics text was open to a chapter we'd covered last term, but I didn't say anything about that.

"Couldn't sleep, huh?  Wish I had that problem," I joked half-heartedly, sliding into my chair.  The yawn that followed my statement wasn't affected for the sake of humor, and I crossed my arms on the desktop to provide a softer surface for my head to rest on.  My eyes closed on their own.

"Are you okay?"

They opened again, and I saw him looking at me with that same concerned expression I was getting from everyone.  Why couldn't they just treat me the same as always?  "Just a little tired," I answered.  I didn't need him worrying about me.  He had too much going on himself.

Well, I was worried about him worrying for nothing.  "Oh, okay."  And he went back to staring out the window.

"What about you?" I asked.  

When he turned around again, he almost looked irritated.  He was never moody like this.  I wondered how much was due to his lack of sleep, and how much was Yue's influence.  "I'm managing."

I still didn't want to talk about it, but I couldn't be selfish like that.  The world didn't revolve around me, after all.  Something had skewed my perceptions, and I was taking everything personally.  "Do you want to—"

"Not now," he interrupted.  Whether he knew what I was going to say or not didn't seem to matter.

Sakura's words came back to me.  It did seem like Yuki and I had switched personalities.  Well, that wasn't exactly right.  Actually, we were both acting like me.  And that wasn't good, because one of me was plenty.  Yuki's usual cheerfulness balanced out my seriousness.  His easygoing, friendly disposition was a fitting contrast to my more reserved, antisocial demeanor.  But now, we were both quiet.  Withdrawn.

He had an excuse for not acting like himself.  He literally wasn't himself.  

And as for me, well, I was still adjusting.

But I'd have to worry about all that later, because right now I was finally able to give in and let sleep settle over me like a warm blanket.

~~-~~

I don't think I quite know what I've gotten myself into by starting this.  I have a feeling that it could go on for a bazillion chapters.  But, for now, we've got two, and I'd like to thank you for reading.  So, thanks!


	3. Mourning

L-chan's notes: This story is supposed to take place four years before "Shadows," and unfortunately I've already discovered a continuity error.  If you find it, please ignore it, and if you don't, well, forget I said anything.  As always, thanks for reading and reviewing.    

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 3—Mourning

Somehow, I made it.  I didn't know how, and, frankly, I didn't much care.  I was only able to pay attention in half of my classes, but at this point in the school year, it didn't really matter.  I had already passed my university exams, so being in class was just a formality.

I wasn't the only one feeling that way.  All of us seniors were finishing out the year on fumes, and I noticed several other students spending class time sleeping or working on other projects.  The teachers didn't seem to put any extra effort into regaining our attentions.  They knew we were done.  February was almost over.  It was all downhill from here.

Then it was on to Akizuki's house to finish our movie.  That was harder.  I tried to concentrate, but she had to keep prompting me with my lines.  It was just that one scene, but it was so crucial to the story that we couldn't leave it out.  I know.  I asked.  Twice.

She was more reserved than usual as we worked, but I certainly didn't mind.  It made things a little easier, not having to worry about her anymore.  She was still bossy, of course, and the job of director had obviously gone to her head.  But she knew what she was doing.  I had a feeling that she was used to pulling people's strings, or at least had carefully observed a master string-puller.

And speaking of reserved, Yuki was still quiet as we worked.  I didn't know if I should bring everything up again or not.  He'd talk about it when he was ready.

But I didn't know what to think about that.  He was shutting me out.  I could feel it.  And even though I didn't want to deal with all this right now, I still wanted to help him.  It was only natural.

Maybe I was afraid.  I'd told him before that there would be a time when he'd need me, and then a time when he wouldn't.  Was this it?  Did he not need me anymore?  What was going to happen now?

I hated the uncertainty of it all.  I think that's what bothered me the most.  I'd never been comfortable with the unknown.  But I did know one thing.  It wasn't over yet.

We finally finished the scene, and Akizuki invited us to stay for dinner.  I saw that boy she lived with again.  He'd been hovering in the background while we worked, but now, even as he came forward to second her invitation, I saw him shoot her a look of disapproval.  She bowed her head subtly as a sign of contrition for acting without his permission.

I never liked him.  His power was strong, stronger than anything I'd ever come across.  Everything about him was suspicious.  He'd been hiding, too, just like she had.  But his aura was so powerful that I'd picked up on it anyway.  There was a hole in his shield, and even though I could see through it, I didn't know exactly what was on the other side.

But that feeling was gone, too.  Now they were both just two blank walls, like everyone else.  But that didn't mean that I trusted them.

Yuki and I both declined to stay, which actually made Akizuki look relieved.  "Then I'll see you guys at school tomorrow," she said as she waved good-bye, annoyingly chipper once again.  "Take care!"

So it was just me and Yuki, alone for the first time since all this happened.  Well, for the first time with both of us conscious.  We walked down the street in silence, heading toward his house.  My pace was slower than usual, every step requiring effort, but I made sure to keep up with him.  I had to keep going.

"Do you mind?" he asked suddenly.

I used to know what he was thinking.  I couldn't tell now.  And it had nothing to do with my lost power.  "Mind what?"

"I'd like to be alone for a while."

There was no hostility or irritation in his tone, just a sort of distracted melancholy.  I couldn't stand seeing him like this.  "You know," I began, "if you want me to, I can—"

"No."  His answer was quiet but firm.

There was so much going on in his head.  I could see it in his eyes.  Even his eyes seemed different now.  They were still the same clear hazel, but they were sharper, somehow.  I knew that Yue was watching through those eyes, taking everything in and passing judgment.  That was his role, after all.

I desperately wanted to know what was going on.  How did that work?  Did they talk to each other?  When one of them thought, did the other hear it?  Where were they the same, and where were they different?  Would I ever see Yue again?  Did I want to?  What did he think about me?  Why was I making this about me?

God, what a mess.

I nodded, but I refused to leave it like that.  "If you need me...."

"I know," he said, and he smiled.  For a second, he looked like his old self again.  "Thanks."

And then I was alone.

I started for home, but my feet didn't take me there.  I had someplace else to go first.  Maybe it was subconscious.  Maybe I'd meant to go there all along.  I always did when I didn't know where else to turn.

The large cherry tree of Tsukimine Shrine was still dormant as it waited for spring.  Its imposing shadow was cast on the ground in front of me as the sun continued to set.  I stood there, several feet away, not daring to move any closer.

Because then I would be forced to accept everything that had happened.

It was hard to explain what having my power was like.  The closest thing I'd ever been able to compare it to was a crowded room.  When you first step inside, all the sounds and voices come at you, a jumble of chaos.  So much going on that at first it seems deafening.  But you slowly get used to it, and then you don't even notice it.  Until it all just suddenly stops.  Until it's quiet again.  And the silence is somehow worse than the noise.

Never having a sense is one thing.  But to have it and then lose it....

Why did I keep using that word?  I didn't lose it.  It wasn't misplaced.  I wasn't going to be cleaning out my closet one day and say, "Oh, so that's where it was."  And it wasn't stolen, although it felt like it.  Like it had been taken from me.  But, no, I didn't lose it.  I gave it away.

I remained rooted to my spot at the entrance to the shrine, looking at the tree.  Intellectually, logically, I knew that my power was gone.  But there was a part of me that still didn't believe it.  So this was how I would know.  This would make it real like nothing else had.  And yet, I hesitated.

Maybe this was all a nightmare, and I would soon wake up, and none of it would have happened.  None of it.

Maybe I would wake up, and I would be nine years old again.  Before 'kaa-san got sick.  Maybe this time, she wouldn't get sick.  Maybe she'd be there to hold me and soothe me as I told her about my dream, reassuring me that everything was all right.

Maybe everything would turn out differently.

Or maybe I was just an idiot.

I slowly approached the tree and reached out to lay my palm against the rough bark of the old, sturdy trunk.  I closed my eyes and waited for that warm glow to infuse my spirit with hope and comfort.

I felt nothing.

Now I had to accept it.

If I couldn't feel anything from the most powerful source of magic energy in town, then I'd never feel anything again.

I wouldn't be able to protect my sister.

I wouldn't be able to see my mother.  It was like losing her all over again.

I'd said that I understood.  I'd said that it was all right.  It wasn't fair that no one else could see her.  I meant that.  And I didn't see her often, just when she had something she needed to do or say.  It wasn't like she was always around.  But she was.  I knew that, somehow, she was always there for me.  And so how did I show her how much I loved her?

I chose Yuki over her.

I'm sorry, 'kaa-san.  I had to do it.  Please understand.   

I thought I heard someone coming, but it was only the early evening breeze, gently rustling the leaves.  I half-expected to turn around and see Kaho standing there, that frustratingly enigmatic smile on her face.  _Have you come to worship? she'd ask, like the first time we met._

I bowed my head and closed my eyes again.  "No," I whispered into the cool night air.  "I've come to mourn."

*** 

After dinner, I felt a little better.  I didn't know how much that had to do with eating my weight in fried shrimp, but it did help.  Then I wanted nothing more than to go to my room and sleep like the dead for a good eighteen hours or so, but I had an appointment to keep.

I knocked on Sakura's door and poked my head in before she had a chance to answer.  "Onii-chan!" she scolded as she shoved something in her desk drawer.  "You can't just barge in here!  What if I was doing something?"

"Like what?" I asked, raising a curious eyebrow at her.  Then my eyes focused on the little yellow plush toy sitting on her desk.  Its arms were outstretched in what was supposed to be a natural position, but I could see it straining to appear as inanimate as possible.  I tried not to smirk, but one corner of my mouth was definitely twitching.  

"What if I was getting undressed?  Or talking on the phone with Tomoyo-chan?"  Sakura was still ranting.  It was kind of cute.  "You have to stop treating me like a little kid.  I deserve some privacy."

Oh, no.  My kaijuu was growing up.  When did this happen?  She was just four years old yesterday, wasn't she, and tripping over her clumsily tied shoelaces?  "I'll try to remember that," I grumbled as I stepped into her room, shutting the door behind me.  At least she was acting normal again.  She forgot that she wasn't fighting with me.  That didn't last long, did it?

"Well, just come right on in," she grumbled back.  "What do you want, anyway?"

Boy, everyone was in a mood today.  Had I interrupted something?  "I said we needed to have a talk, remember?"

I saw the memory of our morning conversation pass through her eyes, and she nodded.  "But you said the three of us, and Otou-san isn't home yet."  Her mood changed so fast that for a second I wondered if I had nodded off momentarily.  Stranger things had happened.  Hell, around here, strange had become the standard.

"I wasn't talking about 'tou-san."  Her mouth opened, but I didn't give her a chance to speak.  "No, not Yuki, either."

It was time to lay everything out on the table.  I walked over to her desk, and I could have sworn that the stuffed animal was sweating from the strain of remaining still.  I stopped right in front of it and held out my hand.  "Hi, I'm Touya.  Nice to meet you."

And then I saw it do something it never had before.  It blinked.  Then its little black eyes darted toward Sakura, as if asking her what to do.  She must have motioned for it to respond to me, because it reached out a yellow paw and shook my hand as best as it could.  See, that was something that should have been strange.

"I am Kerberos, the Guardian Beast of the Seal," this tiny, squeaky voice imparted proudly.

I should have been prepared for that, but apparently, I wasn't, because I did something I shouldn't have.  I snickered.  I couldn't help it.  A talking stuffed animal with an Osaka accent.  Add that to the other magical being residing in the body and consciousness of my best friend, and my life was officially weird.  Anyone would laugh in order to keep a tenuous grasp on their last bit of sanity.

The great guardian plushie looked offended.  I coughed and pretended to clear my throat.  "I think you know why I'm here," I said, putting on my best serious expression.

Kerberos nodded.  It—_he—knew I meant business.  In some odd way, we'd understood each other all along.  Once I could get past the whole stuffed animal thing, we'd probably get along swimmingly.  "Get the book, Sakura."_

"But, Kero-chan—"

"It's time.  Show him the book."

She opened her desk drawer, and I sat down on her bed, preparing for the long story to come.  I hoped I'd stay awake long enough to hear it all.

~~-~~

Once I get through these first few days, things will start to pick up.  This is going to be my most challenging story.  I wonder how long it will be before I regret starting it LOL.  Maybe we should start a pool....  


	4. Awakened

L-chan's notes:  Skipping ahead a bit now, but not too much.  Many thanks to you, my wonderful readers and reviewers.  When I write, I write for me, but I'm so glad to be able to share my little stories with others, too.

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 4—Awakened

Where was I this time?  I really had to stop falling asleep wherever I happened to be.  It was disconcerting to wake up and find yourself awkwardly slumped over a hard surface.

Ah.  That was a clue, wasn't it?  And I was sitting on the most uncomfortable chair ever assembled.  Which meant that I was at school, and I had fallen asleep at my desk again.

Opening my eyes confirmed my suspicions.  I quickly scanned the dark classroom and saw that I was alone.  Good.  I had a horrible crick in my neck, and it felt as if my spine had been compacted from hunching over the desktop.  These desks were just not made for people like me.  I wasn't freakishly tall, was I?  How did the basketball players fold themselves into these chairs, anyway?  I must bang my knees against the underside of the desktop at least three times a day, and I winced as I did so now.  I stretched in my seat, apologizing to my muscles and bones for not giving them a more suitable place to rest.  But at least my little nap would give me enough energy to get through the rest of the day.  I hoped.    

The haze of sleep slowly dissipated, and now I remembered how I got here.

And I groaned as I realized that I had chosen the worst possible time to succumb to my exhaustion.

It had been a week now since I met Yue, and all week I stood back patiently, sort of, while Yuki took the time to absorb the earth-shattering revelation that his life was not his alone.  I'd finally learned to stop trying to interfere and let him bring it up when he was ready.  It wasn't something I was good at, but I could tell he appreciated my efforts to be supportive without taking charge.  The key word here being "efforts."

We'd been silently watching our movie at the school festival, the two of us sitting in the projection room, apart from everyone else.  I'd been mentally repeating each line of dialogue as a means to stay awake.  Darkness had a way of bringing on my fatigue like nothing else.  Things had gotten a little better—the headaches were less frequent, my hunger could usually be sated with seconds instead of thirds, but the tiredness hadn't let up yet.  I still felt physically lacking, somehow, and could only wait for all of this to eventually pass.

But we were sitting there, and I tried to focus on the scene being played.  I hated watching myself.  I just felt really stupid.  I didn't know how I kept getting involved in these ridiculous acting projects.  There was a reason I wasn't in the drama club.  But this scene, these words, had a whole other meaning that no one else understood.  For those few minutes, I hadn't been acting.  Well, some would argue that at no point had I been doing anything that remotely resembled acting.

And then, from the chair next to me, I heard the first words that Yuki had spoken since the screening began.  I almost thought I imagined it, because he said them so quietly.

"I'm not human.  There's another me."

_Not now, not now_, I'd thought.  I'd waited all week for him to talk to me, and I wasn't going to be able to stay awake long enough to have this conversation.  It was a chore just to keep my eyes open.

I'd turned to look at him as he revealed his new understanding.  The reasons for the gaps in his memory, the fact that the memories he _did have weren't even real...._

I had to stop him there.  His memories _were_ real, I'd explained, at least, the ones since we'd first met in tenth grade.  I didn't know how long he'd existed before coming to school that day, but everything that had happened since we'd been together was real.  I needed him to know that.  "I don't know exactly what you are yet, but that doesn't matter to me.  All that matters is that we can stay together."

What the hell did I mean by that?

But it must have been the right thing to say.  "Thanks," he answered softly.

We'd left the room when the movie finished, and I fought back the overwhelming desire to sleep.  I tried, anyway.  Everyone noticed my struggle to remain upright and conscious, and they started worrying again.  I hated that.  I hated looking weak in front of everyone.

And where did Sakura come from?  Had she been there the whole time?  She was only a few feet away from me, and I hadn't even noticed.  And there was Tomoyo and the gaki and Akizuki's... whatever.  But not knowing that Sakura was there, not sensing her presence....  God, I was never going to get used to that.

I'd put my strong front back on so we could buy them drinks and sit with them.  I'd wanted to keep my eye on them, but it was no use.  I had to sleep.  I had to leave right then, or I'd collapse right in front of them, the people I was supposed to protect.  I couldn't do that without some rest first.  With a final assurance to Yuki that I was fine and a teasing warning for Sakura not to act like a monster, I headed back to the classroom.

And that's where I was now.

I guessed I'd better go catch up to everyone, see what was going on.  I stood up and stretched again.  I'd taken off my school jacket and folded it up as a makeshift pillow, so of course it was now a crumpled mess, and I shook it out in a futile attempt to make the wrinkles less noticeable.

"So, you're awake."

I refused to flinch in surprise at her voice.  Wasn't she done with me?  I didn't have what I suspected she'd wanted anymore.  But I turned around to face her anyway.  "What are you doing here?"

"I go to school here, remember?" Akizuki retorted with a flip of her long hair.  She was sitting in the window, and if it was strange for her to magically appear in a second story window, I didn't think too much on it.  I didn't think anything would shock me anymore.  She crossed her arms and assumed what was probably meant to be a pretty pout.  Those tricks didn't work on me, especially coming from her.  "Why are you always so mean to me?"

Oh, please.  "Habit, I guess."  I pulled my blazer on and started for the door.

"They're already gone, you know."

No, I didn't know.  I faced her again.  "What?"

"Tsukishiro-kun and Sakura-chan.  They left already."  She slid like a serpent from her spot in the window and walked over to me.  "Looks like they forgot about you."  Her hand reached out so that her fingers could walk along my arm.  "How could they do that to you?" she clucked.  "And after everything you've done for them."

I grabbed her wrist with my other hand.  "What do you know?" I practically growled, grasping her wrist tightly.

"Mmm, I like this side of you, Touya-kun," she giggled, but there was something menacing about the amused look in her eyes.  "Very manly.  Very take-charge.  It's quite sexy, you know."

"I'm not playing, Akizuki.  What's going on?"

"What's going on?" she repeated innocently, blinking as if she had no clue what I was talking about.

"I know you're up to something.  You and that creepy little boyfriend of yours."

"Boyfriend?"  This time she looked genuinely confused.  Then a wicked smile curved her lips again, and she laughed.  "You mean Eriol?  Oh, don't be jealous, Touya-kun.  Eriol's not _my boyfriend."  Her tone made it sound like I was missing out on some great joke._

I'd never figure her out.  I didn't even want to.  "Whatever.  Now, what is going on?"  I didn't know my voice could sound like that, so hard and unyielding.  I didn't like it.

"Hmm," she murmured, pretending to think.  She put a finger to her chin and tilted her head, but her eyes were still dancing with laughter.  Then she winked at me.  "Can't tell."

I gripped her wrist with a force I'd never use on a girl, but she didn't even flinch.  Instead she actually seemed to enjoy it.  "I swear," I said, low and deadly serious, "if you do anything to hurt Sakura, or Yuki, or anyone, I'll—"

She cut off my words by pressing a hard, strawberry-flavored kiss to my lips.  Before I could shove her away, she whispered something in my ear, and then she was gone.

Nope.  I would never understand that girl.  Or whatever she was.

Why did she grate on my nerves like she did?  She was someone I ordinarily would have been attracted to.  For some reason, she'd always reminded me of Kaho—that smile that said she knew more than she was letting on, that damn moon aura, and that long, long hair.  I'd always had a thing for long hair.  But, my God, she was the most aggravating individual I had ever met.

And, yet, her parting words were almost enough to change my entire opinion of her.  She knew I didn't trust her, so she was trying to reassure me.

"Zettai daijoubu da yo."

Everything will surely be all right.

***

I stood on Yuki's doorstep, wondering if I should ring the bell.  I hadn't quite gotten over the fact that they'd all forgotten about me and left me behind.  I knew that I wasn't the center of the universe or anything, but you'd have thought that someone would have at least thought to check on me.  Well, Akizuki did.  So what did that say?

And, anyway, I still felt bad for flaking out on Yuki earlier.  Was he really ready to talk about everything?  With me?  And was _I_ ready?  

I pressed the buzzer.

The intercom responded almost immediately.  "To-ya?"

I was going to ask how he knew, but the answer was obvious.  He'd always be a step ahead of me from now on.  "Yeah, it's me."

"I'll be right there."

I smiled a little at the restrained eagerness in his soft voice.  Maybe nothing had really changed after all.  Well, sure, everything had changed, but fundamentally, he was still the same.  He was still Yuki.

The door opened, and he stood there silently for a second.  He was still in his uniform, although he'd taken off his jacket and tie.  Maybe he'd been getting ready for bed.  How late was it, anyway?  "Hi."

"Hi.  It's late, isn't it?  I'm sorry.  I should have—"

"No, it's fine.  Come in."  He left the door open for me to follow him inside.  "I was making dinner.  You want some?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."  I hadn't eaten since breakfast.  No wonder I was so hungry all the time.  Not only had I lost my power, but I kept sleeping through meals.  "Can I help?"

"No, I've got it.  It won't be much, though."

I looked at the heaping plates of chicken, vegetables, and rice covering the kitchen countertop.  Yuki's definition of "not much" was anyone else's idea of a feast.  I grinned.  "I suppose it will do."  I leaned against the counter and watched him quickly finish preparing everything.  He really was a good cook.  I guessed he had to be, since there was no one to cook for him.

Like his never-seen grandparents.  Another one of those false memories Yue had given him so that he would seem normal.  How disheartening it must have been to realize that he had no family after all.  But he remembered them.  For him, they had existed.  And now they didn't.  They were gone.  It was like... they had suddenly died.

What horribly depressing thoughts I was having.

"Are you all right?"

I wondered what my expression must be if he was asking me that.  Apparently I was just standing there like an idiot while he sat down to eat.  I quickly joined him at the table, folding my legs beneath me.  He'd always preferred a traditional table, but it was a little awkward for someone of my height.  But I managed.  "I'm fine," I finally answered.  "I'm sorry about earlier.  I just couldn't stay awake."

"That's okay.  I know how tired you've been lately."  He looked concerned about this, and guilty, too.  He was probably thinking that he was the reason for my exhaustion.  Well, he was, but what other choice did I really have?  It was either be a little tired, or lose my best friend.  Pretty easy decision, if you ask me.  At least, I'd thought so at the time.

God, I had to stop thinking like that.

"I'm doing much better, though," I reassured him, even though it wasn't completely true.  "So, what did I miss?"

He looked down at his plate for a moment before raising his eyes to mine again.  "Sakura-chan and I had a very interesting talk."

I'll bet.  "Oh?  What about?" I asked leadingly.  Was that jealousy I felt, that he'd chosen to talk to her instead of me?  Well, it made sense, considering that she knew more about Yue than I did.  Oh, and she'd been awake.  That probably helped.

"Love."

I almost choked on my tea.  "Really?" I replied, and I managed to sound casual when I said it.  But why in the world would she—Oh.  Oh, God.  "She didn't."

"She did."

My poor little kaijuu.  She'd been harboring a crush on him for ages.  We both knew it, but we never thought she'd say anything about it.  "So, are congratulations in order?" I tried to joke, raising an eyebrow at him.

He didn't seem to think that it was very funny anymore.  Well, we'd never actually thought that it was funny.  We'd thought it was cute and sweet and, most of all, temporary.  Besides, if my sister was going to like anybody, I'd rather it be Yuki than, oh, say, that gaki.  "I think I hurt her feelings," he said quietly.  "You're welcome to take a swing at me."

I'd always said that I'd beat the living daylights out of anyone who hurt my precious little sister.  But Yuki had to know that I didn't mean him.  "Maybe some other time, once I get my full strength back."  I really needed to stop joking.  It wasn't funny.  Poor Sakura.  "What did you say?"

"I don't know," he sighed.  "I tried to explain that I was like a part of your family, and that's why she was confused.  I think she understood, but...."  His eyes clouded over a bit, and he looked away as he remembered what he told her.

Was that what it was?  Was he like a part of our family?  It did seem like it sometimes.  And he didn't have anyone else.  But why did those words bother me?  Why did I feel like, somehow, I knew exactly how Sakura must have felt when he said that?

He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes.  That he cared so much about Sakura's feelings meant a lot to me.  It reassured me that he'd always be there for her and protect her, just as Yue had promised me.  "And, so," he said now, pasting his bright smile back on, "now I'm out of the way so that she can find her true love."

He knew that would get me.  "Oh, no," I said.  "She's still a baby.  I'm not letting anyone near her."

He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "sister complex."  I gave him my best glare, and he laughed.  The first true laugh I'd heard from him in weeks.  It felt so good to hear him laugh again.

It did?

We talked about inconsequential things as we finished eating, and then I helped him clean up the kitchen.  It really was later than I'd realized, and Yuki tried to disguise a yawn.  He didn't get a nice afternoon nap like I did.  "Are you working tomorrow?" he asked as he walked me to the door.

"No.  I won't be working until I get back on a normal sleep schedule.  Why?"

"I was hoping we could talk.  About... things.  About Yue."  He shifted a little when he said this.  "I never thanked you.  For what you did for me.  For us."

What was I supposed to say to that?

"I'm so lucky to have met you," he continued before I could come up with a suitable response.  "If I hadn't....  Well, I'm just glad I did."

"I know," I answered softly.  "I'm glad, too."

But as I walked home, his words echoed in my mind.  It wasn't because of luck that we had met.  If Kaho had taught me anything, it was that nothing happened by accident.  I knew now that I was meant to meet Yuki.  I was meant to give him my power.  It was inevitable.  It was my purpose.

And if I had fulfilled my purpose, then what was to become of me now?

~~-~~

Did that bother anyone else?  When toward the end of the episode, Sakura, Yukito, Tomoyo and Syaoran all leave the school, and it's like they just forgot that Touya was inside sleeping.  Poor guy.... That always bugged me.  Anyway, I'd really appreciate any comments you care to toss my way.  Thanks for reading!

*Any Episode 66 dialogue was paraphrased based on different translations, so it may differ from what you see elsewhere.


	5. Brothers

L-chan's notes:  I want to thank all of you for coming on this little journey with me.  I cannot adequately express my gratitude for the wonderful reviews I've received so far.  Thanks so much, everyone!  *hugs* 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 5—Brothers

Feeling a little bit of déjà vu, I stood in front of Sakura's bedroom door, wondering if I should knock.  It wasn't a question of either knocking or walking right in; instead, I wondered if I should bother her at all.

She'd just had her heart broken for the very first time.  I knew what that was like.  The ache that settled in your chest as if your heart was being squeezed, not being able to draw a sufficient breath, wondering what was so terribly wrong with you that the other person didn't feel the same way.

So even if she didn't want to see me, I wanted to see her.  I wanted to do whatever I could for her.  Isn't that what older brothers are for?  I knocked on her door softly, and when she didn't answer, I slowly turned the knob.  "Sakura?"

She was asleep.  I sat down on the edge of her bed, careful not to wake her, and just looked at her.  She seemed so small to be going through so much.  I reached out to stroke her hair, and she stirred a little but otherwise made no indication that she knew I was there.  I could see that her cheeks were stained from crying, and I almost regretted my decision not to deck Yuki when I had the chance.  How dare he make my sister cry?

How could anyone not love her?

How horrible and wonderful a first love could be.  I guessed it had to happen sooner or later.  It was all a part of growing up.  She didn't really know what love was about yet, but for her, the pain must still have been as real as it was for anyone.  Was it easier to get over when you were that young?  If the wound was shallow, she would heal quickly, and one day she'd be ready to hold her heart out to someone else.

And then God help that poor bastard if he makes my sister unhappy for even one second.

I watched her sleep for a few moments more, hoping that she was having good dreams, healing dreams.  As I got up to leave, I heard a persistent "psst" coming from somewhere.  I looked around and saw that stuffed animal's big, round head poking out of Sakura's bottom desk drawer.

"Psst, 'nii-chan!"

"Shhh!" I warned him, putting a finger to my lips.  I didn't want him waking her up.

He got the message and gestured toward the door with his little plush paw.  This was a sight I'd finally gotten used to.  It hadn't been as hard as I thought it would be.  Compared to everything else, it was a relatively easy change to assimilate.

We made it into the hallway, and I cast a quick glance back into the room to make sure that Sakura was still asleep.  The kaijuu would roar mightily if rudely awakened.  That's why I gave her the name in the first place.  When she was a baby, she could howl louder than anything I'd ever heard.  The name stuck when it turned out that she was always going to be noisy and clumsy.  She hated it, of course, but I meant it with the utmost affection.  Usually.  Sometimes, anyway.

I quietly closed the door and turned back around to see Kerberos hovering just inches in front of my nose.  "Gah!  Don't do that!" I whispered harshly, instinctively waving my hands as if to swat away a pesky fly.

"Hey, watch it!" he replied, ducking just in time.

"What's all the noise up here?"

So much for my newly sensitive hearing.  I hadn't heard my father coming up the stairs, and as he approached the landing, I quickly grabbed the plushie, giving him a squeeze to remind him to keep quiet.  'Tou-san still didn't know this little secret of ours.

"Sorry," I said, finally answering his question.  "I stubbed my toe."  Well, that was a bad cover story.  There was nothing for me to have bumped into, and I hadn't inherited the klutz gene from 'kaa-san like Sakura had.

"Oh, I see."  He had that look again, the one that said he didn't believe me, but that he'd wait until I was ready to confide in him.  How did he do that?  He had to be the most patient and understanding father ever.  He deserved some sort of award.  But I realized that over the past few months—years, even—I'd had to do the same, and I knew that I'd given Kaho, Sakura, and Yuki that same look many, many times, even though patience was not one of my strong suits.  "Why do you have Sakura-san's toy?"

Oops.  That probably looked funny, to say the least.  I didn't even play with stuffed animals when I was a kid.  "It has a ripped seam, so I thought I'd stitch it up for her."  That was a much better story.  Pretty soon I might even be able to sell him the King Penguin slide.  Well, maybe not.

"That's nice of you.  How many chore shifts is it costing her?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

I wasn't that bad about doing things for her, was I?  "None, this time.  I thought I should go easy on her after what happened today."

"Oh?"

Didn't she tell him?  I didn't guess she would have yet.  The pain was still too fresh.  "Apparently, she finally told Yuki how she felt about him, and he turned her down."

He nodded slowly.  "I thought maybe it was something like that.  She didn't seem herself when Li-kun brought her home."

What?  What had that gaki been doing with my sister?  Going after her when she was at her most vulnerable, I'd bet.  That little punk.  I could just—

"But what about you?"

"What _about_ me?"  He'd been saying something, but I hadn't been paying attention, as I was otherwise occupied with mentally punting that Chinese kid back to Hong Kong.  The long way.  Via the moon, if necessary.

"How do you feel?"

"About what?"  I was still incredibly lost.  He was going to have to draw a flowchart of this conversation for me to study later.  "Oh.  Well, I'm still a little tired, but other than that, I'm fine."

I could see in his eyes that I hadn't even come close to guessing what he'd asked me, or else what he'd meant to ask me, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but he just sighed and shook his head.  "Don't stay up too late, then, okay?"

"Okay."  I'd definitely missed something there.  "Good night."  He wished me a good night as well, and then I went into my room and leaned against the closed door.   "What was that all about?"

I didn't usually expect an answer when I talked to myself, but I got one this time.  It was a sharp pain in my finger, as if a dog's pointed teeth had sunk into the flesh and were holding on for dear life.  I yelped and shook my arm frantically, and it took a second for me to recognize the yellow blur that whizzed back and forth as that stuffed toy, dangling from my hand before it let go.

Kerberos gulped for air, his little plush stomach puffing in and out.  "I thought I was gonna die," he wheezed.  "Did you have to squeeze so tight?"

I'd forgotten about him.  "Sorry," I muttered back.  "Did you have to bite so hard?"

"Be glad that's all I did, buddy."  I didn't want to know what that meant.  He flittered, or floated, or whatever the hell it was he did, over to my nightstand, where he got comfortable as if he were taking up permanent residence there.  "So, Sakura finally confessed to Yuki-usagi, huh?"

He had a little nickname for everyone.  He'd even taken to calling me 'nii-chan, which he'd said was just a habit he'd gotten into.  It was funny, considering that he was technically several decades older than I was.  "Yeah, she did.  You knew about that?"

"I know everything," he replied, puffing up proudly.  Then his little plush face turned serious again.  "Poor kid.  I probably should have said something.  I knew this would happen."

"Really?"  Well, he'd said that he knew everything, but I'd quickly discovered that the plushie had a tendency to boast.  Hmm, it seemed like I had my little nicknames for everyone, too.  "Why do you say that?"  I knew why Yuki had gently rejected Sakura's feelings, at least I thought I did, but since Kerberos didn't really know Yuki, there must have been another reason.  A reason called Yue.

He breathed a profound sigh.  He really was a hard creature to get a handle on.  He looked so silly and harmless, and he usually acted like it, too, but there were years of knowledge and experience behind that misleading façade.  "Well, Yue has always been very... devoted... to Clow.  Even if he's accepted Sakura as our mistress, he still only sees her as a somewhat passable replacement."

"I see."  But I didn't really.  What an interesting choice of words—devoted.  What exactly did that mean?  There was a lot about Yue that I didn't know.  Actually, what I _did know could fit into a thimble with space left over.  This was my chance, I realized.  Who better to tell me about Yue than his own brother?  Well, that __was their relationship, wasn't it?  _

God, this was still very weird.

I settled onto my bed, propping up my pillows and pulling up my knees.  I wanted to be sure I was comfortable, because the great plushie and I needed to have this talk.  At least, I needed it.  I needed to understand as much as possible before going to see Yuki tomorrow.  Only then would I be able to help him.  And only then would I know how to deal with Yue, should I ever have to.

I still wondered how I fit into all this now.  Yue was Sakura's guardian and would come out when she needed him.  But was that it?  Would he just... hibernate, or whatever it was he did when Yuki was awake?

It was like one of those philosophy puzzles that had no solution.  A conundrum.  If a man dreams that he is a butterfly, is he in actuality a butterfly dreaming that he is a man?  And which one would that make Yuki?

God, this was hard enough for me to wrap my little mind around.  I could only imagine what it was like for him.

"'Nii-chan?"  Kerberos had left his spot on the table to hover in front of my nose again, waving a yellow plush arm in my face.  "Anybody home?"

I gave myself a mental shake.  That was the problem with riddles.  I'd always hated them, because I'd fixate on them, determined to find the answer, even if it was clear that there wasn't one, which only made me more frustrated.  "Sorry.  I was just thinking."

"Yeah, I could see that," he responded dryly.  "So, what do you think about all this?"

I folded my arms on top of my knees as I shook my head.  "I really don't know.  I wish I did."  Shouldn't it have been odd to be discussing my innermost thoughts with a stuffed animal?

Kerberos returned to the nightstand and made a murmuring sound, as if he were thinking about all this, too.  "What about Yuki-usagi?  How's he dealing with it?"

That was what I'd been waiting for.  A chance to bring this up.  "I was hoping you could tell me," I answered.  "I mean, I know Yuki better than you do, of course, but then you know Yue better than anyone does."

"Well, as well as anyone can, I suppose," he amended.

"Oh?"

He proceeded to give me a vague account of their life before, when Clow Reed had been alive.  I could tell he was leaving a lot out, probably feeling that it wasn't his place to tell too many tales about the unusual relationship between the magician and his human-like creation.  Or maybe he just didn't know everything after all.  I got the distinct impression that Yue was a very private being, kind of like me.  Reserved.  Anti-social.  Secretive?

He then tried to explain about the time that had passed while they were sealed in the Clow book, when Yue had somehow taken it upon himself to get out while the guardian of the seal was sleeping on the job.  He didn't know what Yue had been up to while disguised in Yuki's form—if he'd only been sleeping, or if he'd been conscious of everything from the first day I'd met Yuki.

And he told me more about what had been going on recently, even though he and Sakura had said some of this before, when they first showed me her cards.  Since Yue spent so much time as Yuki, they hadn't spent much time together, unless something out of the ordinary happened.  Even then, it was mostly all business, finding out what was causing the disturbance and figuring out how to stop it.  There was still the mystery of why Clow's aura was always present when these things occurred, but that was a whole other story, and didn't really interest me as much, except where Sakura's safety was concerned.

Although, now that I thought about it, I'd sensed Clow's aura, too.  I wasn't sure how I knew, and I couldn't remember where or when, or even if it had been more than once.  Those feelings had faded in the days after I gave up my power, and it was almost as if I'd never felt them at all.  Feelings that had once been so strong were now just memories, and just like trying to remember anything, it was hard to recapture what exactly it had been like.

I was amazed that I was able to stay awake as long as I did.  We talked long into the night, and I didn't even know that I was starting to get tired.  My brain was too busy processing all of this information to realize that it needed rest.  But my body slowly began to shut down, sliding lower and lower onto my bed until I was stretched out with my arm wrapped around one of my pillows.  The last thing I saw before my eyes closed was Kerberos, curled up on the other pillow, mumbling something about pudding as he too finally gave in to the urge to sleep.

***

It was after lunch the next day that Yuki and I finally had our talk.  After staying up so late, I'd slept in, which really wasn't such a rare occurrence these days.  But that meant that I didn't make it to his house until the afternoon.  Which I supposed was fine, since we hadn't set a time.  It was just that way between us.  We went by our own clock, which was somehow perfectly synchronized to the other's.

We'd decided to go for a walk, out in the brisk February air.  It was good for both of us, because there was something incredibly claustrophobic about staying inside when you had something weighing on your mind.  You had to get out, to remind yourself that the world was so much bigger than whatever it was you were dealing with.  It was comforting, in a way.  It put everything into proper perspective.

That was probably why I used to spend so much of my solitary time at Tsukimine Shrine.  But that's not where we went today.

We didn't go anywhere, actually.  We just walked.  I let him decide this, and it was his reasoning that brought up the long-dreaded topic.

Dreaded?  What a way for me to be thinking.

"I guess walking just makes me feel normal," he said out of the blue, giving a self-conscious laugh as his feet shuffled along the sidewalk.  "Funny how you don't think about things like that."

I waited for him to say more.  I felt that if I interrupted him, he'd stop talking.  Well, it wasn't that, exactly.  But if his words just came out in a stream, he would reveal what was really going on in his head, rather than editing his thoughts before speaking.  I knew I'd get more out of him that way.

"Yue flies, you know," he said.  "I'd always wondered what that would be like.  I guess that's what children do, wishing they could be a bird and just soar through the air without a care in the world.  But it's not like that, is it?  And, come to think of it, I was never a child.  And children are by nature carefree, and I'd thought I was, too.  I never had anything to worry about.  Maybe that should have concerned me."

He was rambling.  I wondered if he got that from me.  It wasn't that I was the most verbose person in the world, but sometimes I'd think out loud, forgetting that the other person was even there, until I realized that what I was saying probably didn't make a lick of sense.

He was still talking, and I decided I should probably listen instead of getting distracted by my own thoughts.  How else was I going to understand anything?  "It's so weird, you know?"  He kept saying "you know," as if I could possibly know, when in fact I didn't have a clue.  "Now I have two sets of memories, and then there's the place where they overlap.  But it's like remembering a movie.  You know that you saw these things, but they didn't happen to you.  You were just a spectator."

A spectator.  That's what I'd become recently.  A spectator in my own life.  There I went again, making things about me.

"But he's trying to help me make sense of it all.  He's trying to show me what's real and what isn't."  Yuki stopped walking and looked up at the sky, at the gray, wintry clouds that obscured the golden glow of the sun.  "We've been talking a lot lately.  I don't think he likes it, but it's something we have to do if we're going to live together."  He looked at me then, and his hazel eyes were just like the sky, as if there was a haze of silver over the amber.

"I'm sorry if I've been moody and distracted lately," he continued.  "We're still trying to sort all of this out.  I have so much to learn."  Then he gave me an odd look, somewhere between irritated and amused.  "You can say something, if you want."

I shrugged, a gesture of helplessness, or maybe unhelpfulness, if that was a word.  "It's not that I don't have anything to say; it's just that I don't know _what to say," I told him.  "I don't know what to ask.  If it would be too personal or too stupid or just... whatever."_

"They say there are no stupid questions," he responded, almost teasingly, which was so like him.  I had to keep reminding myself that it _was him._

"Well, leave it to me to be the exception to the rule," I shot back glibly.  We started walking again, and it was only after a few silent minutes that I took the opening he'd left me.  "So, what happens now?" I asked.  That was the thing that had been bothering me the most.  Maybe I should have asked something more personal, something that related to him instead of me, but of all the things I wanted to know, that came first.

"The same as always," he answered.  "Yue will help Sakura-chan when he's needed, and I'll finish high school and attend university with you this spring, just like we'd planned.  Nothing really changes."

He was wrong about that.  Everything changes.  "Is that how it's going to be from now on?  I mean...."  My words trailed off.  I knew what I meant, but I didn't know how to say it.

He seemed to understand.  "For now, that's how it will be.  We've decided it's best that way."

This was yet another thing I'd have to get used to.  When he said "we," he didn't mean me.  He meant Yue.  I'd noticed this slight change in his speech before, but I just now recognized its importance.  He was speaking for both of them.  "How does that work, anyway?" I blurted out.

"How does what work?"

"How does he talk to you?  How do you decide things?"  Sure enough, I'd found the stupid question.  I knew I could do it.  I raked a hand through my hair, which anyone who knew me would say was something I did when I was distracted or frustrated.  I didn't even realize I did it most of the time.  "What does he do when... when you're here?"

"He watches.  He listens.  He tries to rest when I do, if he's not needed.  And if he has something to tell me, I hear him in my thoughts, only... they're not _my thoughts.  And everything I think, he hears, too."  I knew that the expression on my face must have been one of confusion, or at least concern.  "It's not so bad, you know," he added.  "Before, it was just me in that house.  Now I'm not alone anymore."_

"You never were alone," I corrected him.  "You've always had me, and Sakura, and 'tou-san."  And me.  _Me_.  But maybe I wasn't enough.

He nodded, not looking at me.  "I know," he said softly.  "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Did he mean all of us, or did he mean me, specifically?  But while I tried to figure out how to ask him, and if I really wanted to know, since he'd said before that he considered us his family—which still didn't sit well with me for some reason—we rounded the corner and stopped in front of his house.  We'd made a loop around the neighborhood, and it seemed like a natural close to our conversation, even though there was so much I still wondered about.  But with what Yuki had shared and what Kerberos had told me, I was able to start connecting some of the dots.  It wasn't clear what the picture was yet, but I was headed in the right direction.  It was better than just staring at the jumble of dots and feeling overwhelmed.

"Hey," I said suddenly.  "Do you want to come home with me for dinner?"  It was getting to be that time, and I'd told my father that I'd be back.

"I don't think I should," he replied.  "Sakura-chan probably doesn't want to see me right now."

I'd forgotten about that.  "Give her a couple of days.  She'll be fine."

"I hope so."  The look on his face told me that a lot more had happened yesterday than he'd shared.  

"What?"  I had no idea what that expression meant.  It was starting to make me a little uncomfortable.

But if he'd been about to say something, he changed his mind.  "Thanks for coming over.  Can we talk more about this later?"

"Of course."  If that's what he needed, then that's what I was here for.  And I needed to hear it, too.  "I'll come by after school tomorrow, if that's okay."

There was that look again.  I wished I knew what was going on.  

And then the damnedest thing happened.

He hugged me.  And it wasn't a quick, friendly hug, or even a casual, brotherly hug.  It was... I didn't know what the hell it was.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," he said again, even quieter than before, and this time, I knew he meant me.  Just me.

So I did the only thing I could do.  I hugged him back.  And it was so damn strange.  But my arms were around him, holding him close to me, and what was even stranger was how good it felt.  I didn't even think about what I was doing.  I closed my eyes and lowered my head so that my nose brushed against the silken strands of his silver hair, and if I'd been able to sense his moon aura before, now it was like I could smell the soft sweetness of it.  And, yes, I was aware that the words I'd just used made it sound as if....

I pulled away from him then.  "So, I'll see you."

He looked just as startled as I felt.  "Yeah, see you," he replied quickly.  And I could have sworn that he was as anxious to get away from me as I was from him.

From the first day I'd met him and felt that power of the moon that surrounded him, I'd been intrigued by him.  It was my downfall to be attracted to that kind of aura, and so I'd naturally assumed that that was all it was.  I'd decided that one good thing about sacrificing my magic was that I wouldn't be distracted by that kind of thing anymore.

So, the reason for my attraction to him was gone.  And yet, my attraction wasn't.

And just when I'd thought things couldn't get any more confusing.

~~-~~

I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off.  Cross your fingers for me!  Oh, but uncross your fingers to type in a review first.  Thanks, gang!


	6. Issues

L-chan's notes:  As is typical with me, this chapter jumps all over the place as I try to get through the events of the final episodes.  Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed, and to those who will. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 6—Issues

The next few days were relatively uneventful.  I slept whenever I could so that I could keep my strength up.  I spent every afternoon with Yuki, just listening to him, because I'd realized that was the only way I could help.  There wasn't anything more than what I'd already done.

We were as close as ever, but something had changed.  And I tried desperately not to think about it.  But little things that I'd always done before took on new meaning.  When I'd ruffle his hair or pinch his cheek, it didn't seem to be the same friendly, teasing gesture.  It felt almost like... flirting.  Which was bizarre as hell.  And he'd still laugh or tease back, like always, but he'd get this funny expression on his face, and I'd do whatever I could to make the uncomfortable moment pass.

And with all that had happened, or was happening, I still never saw Yue.  I guessed this was how it was going to be after all.  It felt strange to be talking about him, knowing that he was listening, and I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.  Maybe he didn't like me.  He certainly didn't have anything to say to me.  But I could tell when he'd speak to Yuki.  His eyes would unfocus, like someone who'd been staring for so long that they no longer saw anything.  Then he'd blink, and that was the end of it.  I didn't want to pry, so unless he offered any information, I was left in the dark.

I really didn't know what to make of any of this.  And sometimes it would actually keep me awake at night, which might have been part of the reason I was still napping during the day.  I was attracted to my best friend, who wasn't even human, and who had another personality that refused to be a part of my life, not that I was completely sure that I wanted him to be.  Or something like that.  

Oh, yeah.  This was bad.

So I wasn't going to think about it.  Nope.  Not at all.

***

Sakura and Yuki finally made up, which relieved some of the tension we'd all been feeling.  He waited for her to make the first move, and we were both a little surprised when she invited us to go to the festival at Tsukimine Shrine with her and her friends.

It was hard to believe that two summers ago I hadn't been able to go to the shrine at all without all those old memories flooding back.  At that time, I hadn't been back there since _that night_, the one I hated thinking about.  But a lot had changed since then, since the day she left town, left me.  I didn't die.  She came back, and I kept my cool.  She left again, and the world kept spinning.  Somehow, during all that time, I managed to get over it.  I was able to step onto the grounds again and appreciate their beauty and serenity without feeling like I was going to be physically ill.  I knew deep inside it wasn't that I'd stopped caring; I'd just learned to accept reality.

We met the kids there, and I was actually able to have a pretty good time.  Except for the fact that the gaki had come along.  I didn't like how close he and Sakura seemed to be.  Nothing good could come of that.  And why did I have to pay for all of them, anyway?  I hadn't worked for almost three weeks, and my cash reserves were drying up.  I didn't mind paying for Tomoyo, because I knew how much she always did for my sister.  But that gaki—I didn't care how much he'd supposedly done for her.  I hated spending my hard-earned money on him.  But I did it because Sakura asked me to.

When she jumped up out of nowhere, scaring me half to death, I saw a look of concern cross Yuki's face.  I didn't think he'd ever seen me so surprised before, because no one had ever been able to sneak up on me like that.  We hadn't talked much about me lately; it had all been about him.  That was how it was supposed to be.  So when he started to express his guilt again, I had to stop him.  I'd made my choice, and it was the right one, the only one.  If one of us were hungry, the other would give up his lunch, right?  This was no different.  We'd always help each other any way we could.  And that, I insisted, was to be the end of it.  I didn't want to hear any more about it.

Because it made that empty space inside me ache.

It hadn't gone away yet.  Maybe it wouldn't.  I'd tried distracting myself with other things, but it was always there, making its presence known.  The presence of emptiness... that was oxymoronic, wasn't it?  But I could feel it.  That hole was a part of me now, and it represented my need to find something... something....

We never got the juice Sakura had asked for, because the lights suddenly went out.  Was it some sort of power malfunction?  But she and the others were waiting for us down by the lake, and I knew that the electrical switchboard was over that way.  My gut instinct told me that this wasn't a normal power outage.  Something was wrong.  And I couldn't even tell if she was in trouble.  I looked at Yuki for some sign that he knew what was happening, but he just shook his head, so we started running.

Whatever had happened was over by the time we got there, and they all seemed fine, which was a huge relief.  With the lights out, though, we thought the festival would probably be cancelled, so Sakura took off again, and a few moments later, the sky filled with little glowing orbs.  One of her cards, I guessed.  That was just like her to want to make sure everyone could still have fun.  She didn't want the night to be spoiled, so she provided a beautiful light show for all of us.

As the green orbs gently fell around us, I looked over at the kids again, just to be sure they were all right.  Sakura hadn't come back yet, but Tomoyo and the gaki seemed to be involved in some sort of important discussion.  The green glow reflected in Tomoyo's eyes, changing their color subtly.  At that moment, she looked so much like my mother.  It was... eerie.

"Pretty, isn't she?"

I looked at Yuki, who was grinning at me.  "What are you talking about?"

I couldn't fool him.  He'd caught me staring at the young girl, and now he was going to tease me about it.  "Tomoyo-chan is going to be quite a knockout in a few years, don't you think?"

I shrugged indifferently.  She was just a kid.  "I never really thought about it."  If he knew why I'd been looking at her, he'd probably accuse me of having mother issues on top of my supposed sister complex.  I did _not have mother issues.  I just... missed her.  Even after all these years, that feeling could still come over me so suddenly, so overwhelmingly, and it made me regret that I didn't get to see her one last time.  _

Yuki went back to looking at Tomoyo, and I followed his gaze, watching as she gave the gaki one of her sweet, friendly smiles.  "Yeah, she's definitely going to be a heartbreaker, all right."

I turned to him again.  "Why do you care so much?" I asked, scowling a little.

He just laughed at me.  "Jealous?"

Of what?  Of her?  Or of him?  Well, that was incredibly ridiculous, wasn't it?  This whole conversation was ridiculous.  I deepened my scowl, which he found very funny for some reason.  "Where's Sakura, by the way?" I asked, my attempt to change the subject about as subtle as a sledgehammer.

"She's over there.  See?"

And, sure enough, she came running up to us.  "Hey, Onii-chan," she said, a little out of breath.  "We want some ice cream."

Again?

***

My birthday came and went in that way in which a day that doesn't exist will.  Once again, the calendar refused to acknowledge the glorious occasion of my first appearance in this world, but we had a little party anyway, with chocolate cake and, my personal favorite part, the presents.  As much as I protested any fuss my family and Yuki made, a part of me did secretly enjoy it.  I mean, come on, who doesn't like getting presents?  And, thus, I marked myself as nineteen, and to hell with what the calendar said.

"Just think," Sakura reminded me, "next year you'll be a big boy of five!"

It was the only way she was ever going to be older than me, and she milked it for all it was worth.

A few days later, Yuki and I were sitting in my room after school.  He was stretched out on my bed, reading, while I sat on the floor and sketched.  He'd given me a sketch pad and some expensive art pencils for my birthday, saying, "You never draw anymore.  You used to draw all the time."  He was right, and I hadn't realized how much I missed it until I had that freshly sharpened pencil in my hand and made the first scratch across the clean sheet of white paper.  It was relaxing and productive at the same time.  It gave me something to concentrate on while still letting my thoughts wander.  I just sat there and doodled, which seemed like such a silly thing to do, much too silly for someone as serious as me.  That must have been why it was so much fun.

"Look, a bunny!" I said with all the excitement of a three-year-old proudly showing off a finger-painted masterpiece.

Yuki glanced up from his book, and his hazel eyes narrowed as he studied my drawing.  "That doesn't look like a bunny," he said.

"What are you, blind?  It's a perfect little rabbit.  See the ears?"

"Is that what those are?"

"What else would they—"  I couldn't believe I fell for it.  He'd been teasing, and just as if I were Sakura, I'd believed him.  "Just shut up," I laughed, crumpling the sheet into a ball and throwing it at him.

I started another drawing, and he leaned over the edge of the bed to watch.  "Oh, dear, that's terrible, too," he said sadly.  "Maybe next year I'll sign you up for some art lessons."

"Maybe next year I'll ask for a new best friend.  How would that be?" I joked.

When he didn't say anything, I wondered if I'd gone too far.  "I was only kidding, you know."  My explanation was greeted with continued silence.  "Yuki?"

When I turned around, I saw that his eyes were closed, and he was wearing an expression I'd never seen before.  "Clow," he whispered.

"Clow?"

And then I saw something I thought I'd never see again.  Yuki seemed to levitate in the air as large, white wings appeared behind him.  They closed around him as the magic circle appeared at his feet, and when the wings retracted, Yue was standing before me, looking like the cold, arrogant moon creature I remembered.

"Clow," he said, his quiet tone somewhere between anger and disbelief.

Apparently that was all he was going to say.  He pushed my bedroom window open and was about to leave without giving me a second thought, or even a first one.  "What is it?" I asked anxiously, and he actually stopped.  "Is Sakura in trouble?"

His silver cat's eyes showed his annoyance at being detained.  "I don't know."  As if words were at a premium, he didn't say anything more.  God, if this was how he was going to be, who needed him?

"Then I'm going, too," I said, before he could take off without me.

I ran downstairs and shoved my feet into my sneakers.  When I went outside, he was just barely waiting for me.  He was standing as still as death, but there was an impatience simmering beneath that emotionless exterior.

The last thing I remembered was running down the street with Yue by my side.  Then everything went black.

***

"Touya-san?"

I groaned a little but didn't open my eyes.  Hadn't we done this part already?  Where the hell was I?  My head was down, and I was slumped against something.  I was sitting on the hard ground, and the roughness that scratched against my back must have been a tree trunk.  My senses really had improved.

"Touya-san?" that soft voice said again.  I finally opened my eyes with a bit of a wince at the pain in my neck and found myself sitting on the ground next to Tomoyo.  "Are you all right?" she asked with a touch of concern in her violet eyes.

I rubbed the back of my head and tried to remember how in the hell I got here.  "Yeah.  Did I fall asleep again?"

"No."  My expression clearly said that I didn't believe her.  "Well, you did," she amended sheepishly, "but everyone did."

I looked around her and saw Sakura talking with Kerberos and Yue, while that gaki hung back awkwardly.  I'd forgotten how intimidating Kerberos was in his true form.  I'd only seen him that way once, during the judgment, and had since only dealt with him in that silly little stuffed animal's body.  I made a mental note to never, ever cross him.

Ah.  Now I remembered what had happened.  Sort of.

Yue stood there, his arms folded and that ever-present frown on his face as he listened to whatever Sakura and the former plushie were discussing.  To say that he looked displeased would be an incredible understatement.  I didn't know what to call his expression.  Maybe because he didn't really have an expression.  It was more something about his entire demeanor.  There were anger, confusion, concern, and disappointment all on display.

But I wouldn't get to talk to him, even if I'd wanted to, because after nodding at something Sakura said, his wings closed around him.  And then Yuki was back, a little disoriented, but he seemed to figure everything out rather quickly.

He walked over to me and simply said, "It's over."

~~-~~

This chapter was going to be longer, but the tone shifted so much that I'm going to use the rest for the next chapter.  Thanks again for reading and reviewing.


	7. Breakdown

L-chan's notes:  This was originally going to be the second half of Chapter 6, but in terms of length and tone, it works better as its own section.  As always, thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 7—Breakdown

Our high school classes were out the next day, but poor Sakura still had to go to school.  I got up early anyway to make breakfast and see her and 'tou-san off.  I didn't quite know what to do with myself.  For once, I didn't feel like sleeping, and there wasn't much exciting to do around the house.  Kerberos was dealing with any trauma he might have been suffering after yesterday's events by getting wrapped up in some new video game, which was just as well, because couldn't I at least come up with something better to do than hanging out with a stuffed animal?  I thought about going to see Yuki, but I didn't think that would be a good idea.

_It's over_, he'd said.  But was it really?  Maybe Sakura's tests were over, but Yuki had withdrawn back into himself again.  After everything we'd talked about recently, there could only be one reason for his emotional retreat: Hiiragizawa... or, rather, Clow Reed.  Yue was understandably shocked by the revelation that Clow had returned, and there was nothing I could possibly say, so unless Yuki wanted to talk about it, I was going to leave them alone for the time being.  If I'd accurately read between the lines during all the conversations I'd had with Yuki and Kerberos, then Yue's devotion to Clow went beyond that of a servant for his master.  No wonder he felt so betrayed to discover that his beloved master had been reborn and created new guardians to serve him.

I still couldn't believe that annoying kid was the reincarnation of such a powerful sorcerer, although I probably should have known.  I'd always gotten a weird vibe from him.  And that explained a lot about Akizuki as well.  With her moon energy, she was Yuki's counterpart—a magical being disguised as human.  Maybe she was even... Yue's replacement.  No, that couldn't be right.  She'd told me herself that nothing was going on between them, and, for once, I didn't think she'd been lying.  Then what was it that still bugged me about that kid?

I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I went out for a morning walk, intending to look for a new part-time job, but inevitably found myself at the shrine again.  I seemed to end up there a lot lately.  It wasn't that I meant to go there, but somehow, my instinct told me I had to.  Now that I was drawing on basic human intuition rather than magic, I wondered what I was going to find when I got there.  Probably nothing.

I almost couldn't believe my eyes.  I resisted the temptation to rub them, as if a little bit of dream dust was influencing what I was seeing.  I wasn't normally so incredulous, and considering everything that had happened these past few weeks, I didn't think I could be surprised by anything.  Boy, was I wrong.

She was standing near the old cherry tree, and she saw me without even looking my way.  "I knew you'd come," she said.

I was still staring in disbelief.  "Kaho."  

Why did she keep coming back into my life like this?

She turned to me then, and she looked just the same as she always had.  I'd never forgotten how beautiful she was, even when I'd tried to hate her.  That long, fox-red hair hanging straight down her back.  That mysterious smile.  That knowing gaze.  A thousand secrets in her eyes and none on her lips.  "You're looking well, Touya," she said conversationally.

I assumed she knew what I'd been through.  And my suspicions were correct, because I could tell she was feeling me out without much success.  If she was calling me, I couldn't hear her.  I couldn't sense her.  I didn't expect to, of course, but it was still odd, considering everything we'd once shared.

I stood there stupidly, not knowing how to respond.  I had dozens of questions.  Why was she back?  Okay, so I only had one question.  But it kept echoing in my mind.  She smiled again, knowing what I was thinking, and I frowned at her.  She'd always had the advantage.

_We'll be friends when I return_, she'd said that night.  Well, she'd been wrong about that.  It was the first time I'd ever known her to be wrong about anything, but I couldn't even take a twisted sort of pleasure from that.  I didn't want to be friends.  It was impossible.  You couldn't be friends with someone you'd once....

And it wasn't like we'd spent much time together then, anyway.  She hadn't come back for me.  She came back for Sakura, and then she left again without so much as a goodbye.  So why was she here now?

I could tell she sensed the chaos of emotions in me, even though I kept my expression neutral.  This must have been how Yue felt upon discovering that Clow had returned: upset, elated, confused, hopeful.  But I could only guess at that.  Besides, as far as I knew, Yue wasn't capable of any emotion other than mild irritation.  That's all I'd ever seen him exhibit, although maybe that was just how he felt around me.

"How are you?" Kaho asked unnecessarily.

"Fine," I replied tersely.  That's what I said when anyone asked me how I was these days.  It was that simple, vague answer people wanted, and their obligation to you was fulfilled because they had inquired as to your well-being.  And it was better that way.  If I told people I was fine, then they wouldn't worry about me.  I would still appear strong, solid, and unflinching, as was expected of me.  Besides, constantly saying that I was fine made it easier to convince myself that I was.

But she knew me too well, and such an answer wouldn't be good enough for her.  She waited for me to elaborate instead of offering me any information about herself.  God, I'd always been so annoyed by that.  She never gave anything away.  I never knew what she was thinking or feeling.  I'd once thought I did, but I'd just been fooling myself.

So when I refused to say more, she sighed.  I'd never seen a sign of frustration from her before.  Maybe she was human after all.  "I heard about what you did," she said softly as she walked toward me.  "That's so like you, Touya.  Always putting the people you care about ahead of yourself."

Well, one of us had to.  I had no idea that I was still so bitter about how things had ended between us.  I'd accepted it, but a part of me had refused to move on.  Maybe it was because I'd still loved her.  Or maybe it was because I was so damn stubborn.  My reaction to being hurt was to make sure it never happened again.  After she left, I'd stayed away from even the possibility of any relationship, summarily turning down any girl who expressed the slightest bit of interest in me, not willing to put myself out there like that.

But I _was_ out there, wasn't I?

"So, I'll ask you again," Kaho continued, pulling me out of my thoughts before I could fully digest the significance of what I'd been about to realize.  "How are you, Touya?"  Her question was not a polite, conversational courtesy.  Her gentle tone reflected a deeper concern for my mental and emotional state.  She cared about me.  She always had.

Something inside of me snapped at that moment.  I'd been so focused on everyone around me that I'd diminished the importance of my own healing process.  _I'll adjust_, I'd told myself.  _It will get better.  I made the right decision.  And during all of this, I'd never discussed what I was going through with anyone else.  I had to be strong for them.  I had to help them.  They needed me.  I couldn't need anyone._

But I did.  I needed someone.  And, of course, who else would it be but the woman who knew me better than I knew myself?

"I don't know," I finally answered, and it was the most painfully honest answer I could give.  I closed my eyes tightly, trying not to let my exhaustion, my mental exhaustion from keeping everything inside, cause me to break down in front of her.  "I just don't know."  It was useless.  I started shaking then, and I sank down onto the ground.  My strength had finally given out.  I had been pushed to my limit, and I couldn't deal with this on my own anymore.

She sat down beside me, not even caring that she was getting dirt and grass on her pink dress.  She was like that.  I immediately took back every horrible thought I'd ever had about her.  She cared about me, maybe not the way I'd wanted her to at one time, but she did.

She put her arms around me and held me until I stopped shaking.  I was only peripherally aware of the way it felt to be held by her again, and how it didn't quite live up to my memories of her.  And then she just listened as everything came pouring out.  My resentment, my weariness, my confusion.  It had all been bottled up while I focused on helping Yuki deal with his true identity.  And somehow, I'd resented it.  I'd do anything for him, but that didn't change the fact that I was only human.  I forgot that sometimes.  I wasn't perfect.  I couldn't always be okay with everything.  It was all right to be sad or angry or weary.  I'd refused to bother anyone with my problems, but that didn't make them disappear.

She was so patient, sitting beside me, letting me ramble on.  That was all I'd needed.  I didn't need platitudes or solutions.  I didn't need pity.  I needed someone to listen.  She'd always been so good at that.

When I finished, my throat sore from talking for what must have been an hour, I thought I would feel better.  But maybe I'd been wrong.  Maybe I did need a solution.  Because I didn't know what to do now.  My life had been changed forever, and that wasn't something that could be easily dismissed.  It was something I'd told myself that I'd accepted, but had I really?

"I feel so empty," I admitted quietly.  "I've given everything I have to everyone else, and there's nothing left for me.  I don't know who I am anymore."

There.  I'd said it.  I wouldn't let myself even think it, but it was the truth.  And she understood.  She didn't say a word, but I saw it in her eyes.  Kaho had always understood me, even when I didn't understand myself.

"God, I hate this," I muttered, shoving my hands through my hair.  "I wish I knew what to do."

"You'll figure it out," she answered, cryptic as ever.  "You always do."

I looked at her then, remembering everything we'd been through together—that is, everything I'd been through that she'd helped me with.  And it had always been like this.  She never told me what to do; she knew it was more important for me to find my own way.  She could be so annoying like that.  So I just shrugged and asked her the question that was still unanswered.  "Why did you come back?"  It wasn't for me; I knew that much.

"To see everyone," she replied.  "Eriol asked me to come."  A fond little smile curved her lips, and it was the kind of smile she used to give me, back then.

Eriol?  "You mean...." I tried to put it together.  "You knew," I said, almost accusatory.  "You knew this whole time what was going on, didn't you?"

She nodded.  "It had to be this way.  That's what he wanted."

Something wasn't clicking.  "Eriol," I repeated, a little slow to catch on.  "He's the one you met in England?"  She nodded again.  Put it together, Kinomoto.  "Then, that means...."  Oh, my God.  "Oh, my God."

"You sound surprised."

I sure as hell did.  She'd said that when she came back, she'd have someone new that she loved.  I hadn't asked her about it the last time she was here, because I didn't figure it was any of my business.  And it had hurt me to think that maybe she'd moved on while I hadn't.  But _him?  "How old is he, anyway?"_

She laughed at the incredulity in my voice.  "That's a very good question," she said evasively.  "He's not as young as you might think."

I didn't want to know.  It sounded awfully damn complicated.  "You haven't changed."

"Yes, I have.  So have you.  But that's life, isn't it?"

"I guess."

We walked around the grounds then, silently for several minutes, until she said, "There's something else you want to ask me, isn't there?"

There was.  Something I hadn't been able to ask anyone else, because I knew that no one had the answer.  "Will I get my power back?"  That had been at the back of my mind all this time.  It was a selfish, selfish thought that I wouldn't even let myself acknowledge.

"Do you want it back?"

She really hadn't changed, no matter what she said.  "Do you always have to answer my questions with a question?"

"Do I do that?" she joked, her eyes sparkling before she turned serious again.  "It's a legitimate question, Touya.  Do you want your power back?"

I didn't know.  I'd made that sacrifice to save Yuki's life, not considering that I'd get my power back.  But maybe, once Sakura's magic was strong enough, Yue wouldn't need my energy to sustain him anymore, and he could return it to me.  If I'd known that I would get my power back, I wouldn't have hesitated to give it to him.  But I hadn't hesitated anyway.  That wasn't why I did it.  I gave it away thinking that I'd never have it back.  That was the choice I'd made.

"No," I finally answered.  "I don't."

She nodded.  "I don't know that you will."

"Oh, so there's something you don't know?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in her direction.  "Let me write down the date, because I don't want to forget when the great Kaho Mizuki admitted that she didn't know everything after all."

I'd meant it as a joke, but as with any joke, there was some truth in it.  I saw a hurt expression cross her face before she looked away.  "I never claimed to know everything," she said quietly.

I didn't know how to feel, knowing that something I'd said had affected her like that.  I'd never seen anything upset her before.  I'd always thought that she was immune to having her feelings hurt, but maybe she was just good at hiding them, like I was.  "I'm sorry," I said, disrupting the silence that had settled between us as we continued walking.  "I didn't mean—"

"I know you didn't."

And I knew she did.  It was surprisingly comfortable to be with her again, so much like the way things used to be that I almost started to believe that we truly could be friends.  She'd been my best friend at one time, the one I went to for everything.  It was so easy to slip back into that, much easier than I thought it would be.

But everything had changed.

I just wanted this, though.  Just for a few more minutes.

And as if she'd read my mind, she said, "I have to go soon.  I have someplace to be."

We stopped near the cherry tree again, the place where we'd met.  The place where my gawky fourteen-year-old self had first kissed her.  The place where I nervously told her I loved her, holding my breath until she said the same.  The place where, a year later, she unceremoniously broke my heart.  And I felt dread settle over me.  Was it because of the memories, or because, somewhere inside, I knew what was coming?

"Will you wait here?  I have something for you."  When I nodded, she went into one of the buildings and retrieved a small package.  "Consider it a birthday gift.  I'm either three years late or one year early."

I tried to laugh at her joke, but I couldn't.  "Can I open it now?"

"If you want.  I won't tell."

I carefully tore the paper away from the rectangular object.  It should have been obvious what it was, had I taken the time to consider it.  Everyone knows a book when they see one.  "_Truth, Life, and the Self_," I read.  The title sounded like some sort of ridiculous self-help guide, but upon closer inspection, I saw that its content was philosophical rather than psychological.

"I hope it will help you find the answers you're looking for," Kaho said quietly as I thumbed through the pages.  "I think it will lead you to what you want."

It couldn't be a coincidence that she'd chosen something like this before she'd even talked to me.  "Are you sure you don't know everything?" I asked skeptically.

"Well," she said with her enigmatic smile, "not _everything."  Then she laughed when I rolled my eyes at her._

It really would be easy to go back to the way things used to be.  "Kaho," I began uncertainly, "can we—"

"No," she answered, and her tone was almost wistful.  "I thought we could, but we can't."

She was right again.  Dammit.

But that didn't stop her from kissing me.  It took me by surprise, and I stood there, still and unresponsive as her lips brushed softly against mine, because she didn't want anything from me.  Once her kiss would have made my heart race, and just the thought of it would have been enough to sustain me until I saw her again, but now I knew that I didn't feel that way anymore.  And neither did she.  Because her kiss wasn't meant to be romantic or passionate.  

She was saying goodbye.

"You're not coming back."  I didn't have to ask.  I knew.

"My home is with him now," she replied.

It was over.  It had been over for a long time.  "So, that's it?  I'm never going to see you again?"  God, this just got harder every time.  Why was that?

"When the time is right, we'll meet again," she answered in that same patronizing tone that she'd used before, when she'd promised we'd be friends.  I didn't know whether to believe her or not.  "Maybe you can come visit us someday."

I really didn't want to do that.  Not anytime soon, anyway.  "Can I at least write to you?" I blurted out.  Where did this sudden desperation come from?  Was it all a part of feeling so disconnected from everything?  That I needed to grab onto something—anything—to keep from drowning in my confusion?  She'd pulled me from it once before.

She seemed to be considering my request.  "Write to Nakuru-chan.  I know she'd like that."  She placed her hand against my cheek, and it felt cool instead of warm, like I'd remembered.  Maybe it was because I didn't sense the magic in her anymore.  Maybe that was why, as good as I thought things felt with her, it just wasn't the same.  "It will be all right, Touya," she said softly.  "I promise you that."

If only I could be sure.  But I nodded, brave little soldier that I was, and she gave me a comforting, motherly smile.

God, maybe I did have mother issues after all.  No, forget I said that.

She had to go, she reminded me, and I walked with her to the street.  Before she turned away, she said, "You should tell him."  And there was that knowing look of hers again.

I blinked like some sort of idiot.  "Tell who what?"  I didn't know if I was playing dumb or if I really was that clueless.  Denial is a powerful thing like that.

She started to answer, but then she just shook her head.  I looked at her, taking in every detail of her appearance, from the shade of her pink dress to the way her long bangs fell in her eyes to the almost sad smile on her ruby lips.  I'd never feel about anyone the way I'd felt about her.  Whether it was because of the magic or something deeper, I'd loved her. 

"Goodbye, Touya."

A part of me always would.

"Goodbye, Kaho."

~~-~~

I hope I did Kaho justice in this section.  I tried not to let anyone else's opinions influence my interpretation of their relationship.  Please feel free to tell me what you think.


	8. Surprise

L-chan's notes:  I'm sorry that forever has gone by since I last updated.  I don't know what happened, but I hit a wall here and concentrated on other stories instead.  I'll try to do better.  So, if you've come back after all this time, thanks so much for reading. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 8—Surprise

"Mizuki-sensei came back."

Amazingly, I didn't even miss a beat.  "Yeah, I saw her yesterday," I answered.  But I couldn't look at Yuki when I confessed to meeting Kaho.  Somehow, I felt like I'd betrayed him by talking to her, and, moreover, by talking to her about _him, and how my life had been changed because of him.  I kept my eyes on the skillet, careful not to let our dinner burn.  "Apparently, Kaho knew everything after all.  That Clow Reed was behind all this trouble."  With a quick flick of my wrist, a technique I'd picked up working in various restaurants, I flipped the sauce in the pan.  If it looked like I was concentrating on mastering my one culinary trick, then it would explain why I couldn't meet his eyes._

When did everything get so mixed up?  Talking with Kaho had helped me sort through some things, but there was one issue I hadn't been able to confide to her.  It was this realization that my feelings for Yuki ran deeper than friendship.  Whether I'd still been in denial or I just wasn't ready to say the words out loud, I couldn't tell her.  And yet, I think she knew anyway.  That damn woman.  She really _did know everything._

"But, I'm grateful," he said quietly.  Now I looked at him, but his eyes were focused on the table he'd just set.  "Because he created me, the true me, I was able to meet you and Sakura-chan."

_I should say something_, I thought.  But what the hell should I say?  That I knew how he felt?  That I was grateful to Clow, too, despite everything he'd put us all through?  That I—

Sakura came home then, and rather than greeting us, she ran straight upstairs.  Something had clearly upset her.  I'd never known her not to come say hello to Yuki, or, well, to me, even at her pesky-little-sister best.  Not to come see what was for dinner and take a taste from the pot so I could tease her about leaving some for the rest of us.

"Sakura-chan?" Yuki mused, more to himself than to me.  "Did something happen?"

I wondered, too.

I had to stop myself from going upstairs to see what was wrong.  She hadn't come to me after confessing her feelings to Yuki, and that had made me realize that she was growing up, and away from me.  Why wasn't she confiding in me anymore?  I knew I should have been used to it.  These past two years had been filled with secrets, after all.  But that didn't change the fact that it still hurt to be on the outside.

Instead I returned my attention to the stove.  If she didn't come down when I called her for dinner, then I would poke my nose into her business, if only to hear her tell me to butt the hell out.  That would convince me that she was okay.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Yuki take a step toward the stairs, but he stopped himself, too.  He had those same brotherly instincts I did when I came to her.  We wanted to know what was wrong and what we could do to make it better.  But we also knew that if she needed us, she'd let us know when she was ready.

He sighed and fiddled with the plates on the table, making them perfectly straight for no apparent reason, before he looked over at me.  "Do you need me to do anything else?" he asked now.

"Can you get the tea?"

"Sure."

He knew where everything was in our kitchen and didn't hesitate when it came to getting something he needed.  That whole "part of the family" thing nagged at me again, and I pushed those troubling words away.  "Yuki?"

"Yeah?"

I really didn't have anything planned to say after that.  I cursed myself for starting something in the first place.  "Do you want to stay over tonight?"  Well, God, that was brilliant.  Where the hell did _that come from?_

I saw a startled look pass through his hazel eyes before he smiled.  "Yeah.  I'll have to go home for a few things."

When he smiled at me, I remembered why I'd gone through all of this.  Why I'd given away something so important to me.  Because he was more important.  And I needed him to stay.  It made things easier now, instead of harder, like it was before.

At least, that's what I was hoping for.

Dinner was on the table, and I went to the base of the stairs to call for my little sister and her other guardian, since 'tou-san wouldn't be home until later.  There was no answer, so I tried again.  "Sakura?  Don't let it get cold, kaijuu."

"I am not a kaijuu!" she yelled back as her thudding footsteps echoed through the ceiling.  Her tone wasn't quite angry enough to convince me that she was all right, but she was obviously determined not to think about whatever was bothering her.  That was a good sign, right?  It couldn't be that serious.  Maybe she'd just found out her math grade or something.

It was quite a bizarre meal, to say the least.  I watched in rapt silence as the two powerful guardians talked to each other in their alternate forms.  There really wasn't a good way to say that.  I hated to use the word "false," because Yuki was real, as real as I was.  And "temporary" left me with the horrible feeling that he might start to fade away again, and next time, it would be for good.  "Alternate" was the best I could come up with.

As far as I knew, Kerberos had never talked to Yuki like this, and he seemed a bit flustered about it.  Whereas Sakura and I saw Yuki and Yue as two separate people, no matter how alike they were, Kerberos was having some difficulty making that distinction.  He soon gave up and instead focused on trying to out-eat Yuki, as if it were a matter of pride.  He wouldn't let Yue best him in any form, which was most likely a rivalry that went back further than I could possibly imagine.  If they only needed magic to sustain them, why on earth did they eat so much?  Not just why, but... _how?  My stomach ached just thinking about shoveling down that much.  Apparently I'd forgotten how voracious my own appetite had been during the first few weeks following my power drain.  But then, I'd been making up for something I'd lost._

Sakura was quiet for the most part, too, but I suspected that she had her own reasons.  She would jump in once in a while to respond to Yuki's teasing or to chastise Kerberos, and even though she was wearing a carefree smile, it didn't reach her green eyes.  God, what had happened?  She wasn't upset with any of us, that I could tell, and she never fought with Tomoyo, so... it must have been that gaki.  What did he do this time?  I was going to kill him.  Really and truly.  And I'd bet that Kerberos would help me.

Except that after eating, his next priority was to go finish his new video game.  I'd never known anyone to be so obsessed with making it to the end of a game the same day he'd started.  Even 'tou-san appreciated the challenge of a game and discovering the intricacies and strategy involved to defeat it.  But I'd bet that if he could spend an entire day playing, he'd get as caught up in winning as Kerberos did.

The yellow plushie didn't even say goodbye as he grabbed a pudding cup from the refrigerator and flew off toward the stairs.  We all stared after him for a second before shrugging in unison, and when we saw each other making the exact same gesture, we laughed.    

Since I had cooked, it was Sakura's job to clean up, and she began clearing the table without a single complaint.  Yuki and I exchanged a concerned glance before he stood up to help her.  "Thanks for dinner, again, as usual."

"You don't have to do that," I said, indicating the plate in his hand.  "Go home and get your stuff."

If anything could brighten Sakura's mood, that would do it.  "You're staying over, Yukito-san?" she asked hopefully with a smile more sincere than the plastic one she'd shown us earlier.

We exchanged another look, but this time it was one of amusement, before he turned his own bright smile to her.  "Yes.  Is that all right?"

She nodded happily, and I almost hated that he was going, because I knew her newfound good mood would disappear when he did.  But that was going to be my fault.  "When you get back, maybe we can have some cake?" she suggested.  

Yuki crouched down to her level, and I noticed she still blushed like she used to.  Some things never change.  "I'll bring you a surprise," he promised with a little wink, and she giggled.  His hazel eyes met mine again, and he repeated the gesture for my benefit. 

That did it for me right there.  If I had been an eleven-year-old girl, I probably would have blushed and giggled, too.  But at nineteen, all I could do was swallow, hard, and grip the silverware in my hand so that it didn't clatter to the ground.  He had to get out of this house _now before I did or said something really stupid.  "Come on, kaijuu," I said, bonking her on the head on my way to the sink.  "Quit flirting and help me with this."  I didn't want to think about that any more than I had to._

"Onii-chan!" Sakura fumed in that entirely unthreatening way of hers.  I smirked, knowing that turning the situation around on her would take the attention off my own embarrassment.  She grumbled something about squashing a bug as she collected the plates.

Yuki just laughed the way he always did at our sibling antics.  "I'll be back soon."

"Okay," I answered, waving at him over my shoulder so that I wouldn't have to turn away from the sink.  This was absolutely insane.  Why did such little things, a smile and a wink and a laugh, suddenly make all of my blood rush to my head?  Was it a sign of acceptance?  

It was.  It was that last puzzle piece which should have made the image clear.  Only in my mind, it was fuzzier than ever.  Because acknowledging something didn't mean that you knew what to do about it.  I could let myself feel these things, but, then what? 

So, rather than fine-tune that fuzzy picture with obsessive analysis at this particular point in time, I aggressively scrubbed the skillet before handing it to Sakura to dry.  Her mind had wandered, and it took her a second to take the pan from me.  "How was school today?" I asked casually, hoping to discover the source of her earlier distraction, and to drive away mine in the bargain.

"Fine," she replied immediately.

Okay.  She'd obviously been taking lessons from me in the vague answer department.  "Anything interesting happen?" I prodded.

This time, she paused just briefly before answering.  "Not really."

"Final grades come out next week.  Want me to help you hide your report card from 'tou-san until you can come up with a good excuse for failing math?"

"I didn't fail math."  She shot me an annoyed look before lowering her eyes to the cup in her hand.  "At least, I don't think I did," she said softly.

There went that theory.  I wiped my wet hands on a towel and turned to her.  "Sakura."

She didn't look at me.  "What?"

I sighed and raked my hand through my hair as I tried to find the fine line between brotherly concern and downright meddling.  "You know that if something's wrong, you can tell me, right?"

Now she looked up, and her green eyes shimmered as she considered confiding whatever sordid details she was hiding to me.  Her mouth opened slightly, and she hesitated as if she were about to spill her guts, but then she waved her hands in front of her and shook her head in denial.  "It's nothing, really," she said shakily as she presented me with another forced smile.  "I guess I'm just a little sad that Eriol-kun is going back to England."

I sure as hell wasn't.  Because that meant no more Akizuki.  My prayers had finally been answered.  Maybe 'kaa-san had put in a good word for me.  _He's normally a very nice boy, and he's been through so much lately...._

I still didn't quite believe Sakura, but all I could do was take her answer at face value.  "Okay," I said, dropping the subject for now.  Since I knew any attempt at hugging her would be shrugged away as intrusive, I instead ruffled her honey hair, mussing it just enough to annoy her.

We finished cleaning up the kitchen in silence.

***

While Yuki was saying good night to Sakura, I gave my room a quick tidying up.  It wasn't so much that I was sloppy.  I generally kept things neat and in order.  I just wanted to make sure everything that needed to be put away was.

Like the book Kaho had given me.  I didn't want to keep secrets from Yuki; there had been enough of that over the last couple of years.  But I didn't want him to see it.

I'd stayed up late last night reading.  At first, nothing really jumped out at me.  It was a typical, long-winded philosophy text, almost pretentious in its presentation.  The author shamelessly exhibited an unnecessarily complicated vocabulary, which in itself wasn't so bad.  But then he packed in as much theory with those carefully chosen words as possible, which made for dense, intricate passages that couldn't be read with just a cursory glance.

After the first two chapters, I was intrigued.  I had to know if he really knew what he was talking about.  The little bit of philosophy I'd studied in high school didn't make me an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I recognized bullshit when I heard it.  Again, that was something I'd had enough of these past two years.

But then there was the main reason for stashing this book away from Yuki's curious eyes.  Just as Kaho had said, this was something I needed.  It was all about identity.  On who we are, and _why_ we are.  It was about discovering your reason for being.  And that was exactly what I'd been struggling with.  I was determined to keep this to myself, because I didn't want Yuki worrying about me.  

By the dim light of my reading lamp, I'd scribbled away in the margins of the book, finding the passages where the author was spot on or else completely full of it.  I began outlining my own concerns, putting things I'd only barely thought about into words for the first time.  Either because of the late hour or the speed at which my mind raced, I knew the fragmented thoughts I was writing probably wouldn't make any sense in the light of day, but if I didn't write them down, I would forget them, and the whole point of the exercise would be lost.

I stashed the book under my bed and cast a final glance around the room to make sure it looked presentable.  Yuki hadn't stayed over since before... well, since _before_.  And I supposed my sudden desire for immaculate living quarters was because, subconsciously, I didn't want Yue thinking I was a total slob.  If he didn't like me on my own merits, that was one thing.  I didn't need to give him any ammunition.

There was a knock on my door, but before I answered, Yuki came in.  He had already changed into pajamas and was carrying our spare futon.  "Ready for me?" he asked.

What the hell did _that_ mean?  But then he gestured to a spot on the floor where we usually laid out the mattress, and I cursed myself for looking for subtext where there was only text.  "Need some help?" I asked as casually as possible.  God, this was weird.  Part of me wanted to go back to that blissfully ignorant state I'd lived in just a couple of short months ago.

"I think I'm set," he answered, dumping a blanket on top of the mattress.  But as he did so, something fell out of the blanket, making a distinctive rattling sound before landing on the rug with a soft thud.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," he answered quickly, bending down to scoop up the item.

Well, that wasn't very convincing.  "Yuki," I said, accenting each syllable of his name with a touch of exasperation.

"To-ya," he retorted, mimicking my tone perfectly.  I rolled my eyes at him, and he sighed in resignation.  "Fine," he said, and he held out his hand to show me what he was hiding.

It looked like a prescription bottle.  "What's that?"

"Sleeping pills."

Sleeping pills?  "I didn't know you'd been having trouble sleeping."

"I'm not, really.  They just help me sometimes."  He shrugged as if this weren't a big deal.  But it was.  Couldn't he see that?

"How long have you been taking them?"

He shrugged again.  "A few weeks," he guessed.  "Ever since... well, you know."  I shook my head, forcing him to elaborate.  "Since I found out who I really am."

"Yuki."  My voice was gentler this time, filled with quiet concern.

He smiled a little and sat down on the mattress.  "I'm okay.  It's just that my mind doesn't always shut down at night.  There's so much to think about, to remember, to deal with.  And I need a break from it, or else I can't get any rest."

I sat down next to him.  "Why didn't you tell me?"  Wait.  So, I could keep secrets, but he couldn't?  How very me of me.

"I didn't want you to worry," he answered softly.  He looked at me with his big, round hazel eyes.  "I've already caused you enough trouble.  I'm always leaning on you, and it doesn't seem fair."  His eyes clouded over, and he tried to lower them before I could see.

I placed my hand against his cheek and forced him to look at me.  "That's what I'm here for," I joked.  I'd thought we were past all of this melancholy, but, apparently, neither of us really was.

His eyes had widened when I touched him, and I wondered if he felt the same thing I did.  I didn't take my hand away, even though I probably should have.  I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing, but I needed the connection that I'd been missing lately.  We'd always had it, from the first day we'd met, and it was what kept me sane.  Reminding me that everything I did, everything I was, was for my family, and for him.

There are many reasons why certain things happen.  Sometimes you plan them meticulously, bring about events the exact way you wish them to occur.

And then there are those things that are completely out of the blue.  The things that take you by surprise.  The things you don't even know you want.  These things are usually accompanied by a sudden rush of excitement and fear, and when faced with them, you can either bravely act on the impulse or crawl into a hole until the moment passes.

I wasn't usually a very impulsive person.  Okay, almost never.  I tended to overthink everything, to be absolutely sure about any decision I had to make before going through with the action.  But maybe that wasn't the way to live life.  Maybe you should just take each moment as it comes and go with it.  Otherwise, you spend your time planning for something that may never come about while your one chance is sitting right in front of you.

And right now I was faced with the person most important to me in the entire world.  The one I would do anything for.  The one I _had done anything for._

The moment was hanging there as we silently looked at each other.  Moments never last.  Even though it felt like time had stopped, it would soon start up again.  What would I do?  Would I let it pass, or would I take a chance?

I'll never know who moved first.

Because I didn't think that I kissed him or he kissed me.  We met somewhere in the middle.

His lips were softer than I'd thought they would be, not that I'd spent a lot of time thinking about such things.  And they were cool, as if they'd been touched by the night air.  He tasted like peppermint toothpaste, which probably accounted for the coolness.

It should have been weird.  It should have made me panic.  But it just felt so natural, like I'd been waiting for this.

His hand was on my shoulder now, and I could feel its warmth through the thin cotton of my t-shirt.  Other than that, he didn't move, and neither did I.  Not the slightest bit.  Our lips were simply touching with all the passion and intimacy of a formal handshake.  But it was a gesture of comfort and understanding.  Maybe even of... love.

Oh, God.

The picture suddenly came into razor-sharp focus.

For the second time in my life, apparently not learning anything the first time around, I had fallen in love with my best friend.

"Oh, God."

I didn't realize I'd said the words aloud until Yuki pulled away.  He looked positively shaken, and I saw a shadow of silver pass through his round eyes before it skittered away like a frightened rabbit.

It had only lasted a few short seconds, but in that brief amount of time, everything had changed yet again.  Now, I panicked.  And I started backpedaling as fast as I could.  "Yuki," I began, not knowing where I was going with this, "I didn't—"

It didn't matter that I didn't know what I was going to say, because he wasn't going to let me say it anyway.  "I'm sorry," he said softly.  "I just...."  He seemed to be lost for words as well, and he looked away.  I tried to get my thoughts in order, to figure out if I should tell him what I was feeling, but I didn't get a chance.  He let out an exaggerated yawn.  "It's the pills," he offered feebly, even though I doubted that they would kick in so quickly.  "They have some strange side effects."  He acted as if that magically explained everything away.  Then he yawned again, but it seemed genuine this time.

"Yuki."

"Can it wait?"  The words were rude, but his tone was a forced kind of polite.  "I'll probably be asleep in about two seconds."  There wasn't anything I could do but stand up and helplessly shove a hand through my hair as he stretched out and pulled the blanket all the way up to his nose.  He didn't even take his glasses off.  "Good night," he mumbled.

"Yuki."  I was beginning to sound like a broken record, but my lame attempt to instigate some sort of illuminating conversation between us was only met with silence.

And with him there, I couldn't let out my frustration by kicking something or cursing a blue streak, so I sighed in defeat and turned out the light before climbing into bed.  I desperately wished for some sleeping pills of my own.  I already knew that my mind was going to be spinning, rethinking and reliving and regretting, for the next several hours, and I wanted to be able to knock myself out as easily as he could. 

But, in all honesty, I didn't think he got much sleep that night, either.

~~-~~

Wow.  That's not where this was going to go at all.  Funny how things just kind of happen.  Thanks again for reading, and don't forget to tip your author by leaving a review.

*Any episode 70 dialogue was paraphrased based on different translations, so it may differ from what you see elsewhere.


	9. Isosceles

L-chan's notes:  Just big thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing.  That's it. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 9—Isosceles

I finally fell asleep after several hours of restless tossing and turning.  But it felt like only a few minutes had elapsed when the welcome darkness was rudely interrupted by the insistent chirping of my alarm clock.  I reached up to slam the snooze button and burrowed back under my blankets, wrapping my arm around my pillow as I tried to decide whether I was really ready to wake up or not.  It was a cowardly way of avoiding the world, but I was going to put it off as long as I could.

"Ahem."

The hell?  I forced my tired eyes open and noticed the tall, pale figure standing in the center of my room.  His arms were crossed over his chest, and his jutting chin was held in that aloof posture I immediately recognized.  I'd never known anyone to radiate such an air of disdain and indignation, and I resented his attitude toward me.  I hadn't given him any reason to treat me like this.

God, my hackles had been raised already.  And it wasn't even seven yet.  This didn't bode well for the day ahead.

"Good morning," Yue said sardonically, raising an eyebrow at me.

I sat up quickly, which caused a dizzy rush of blood from my brain.  "Yeah," I muttered, my voice a bit scratchy, as I rubbed my eyes.

"Do you have something you want to say to me?"

Well, so much for the exchange of pleasantries.  "Where's Yuki?" I asked, and, yes, I knew it was an exceedingly stupid question, because I saw him trying not to roll his silver eyes.  "I mean, I know where...."  I groaned and shook my head.  One corner of Yue's thin-lipped mouth quirked slightly.  If I didn't know better, I'd think he was amused by my lack of coherence and comprehension at this early hour.

"He's sleeping," Yue explained in slow, measured tones, as if I were three years old and not very bright.  "I thought we should take advantage of this time to get a few things cleared up."

Someone please just kill me now.  I did not want to discuss what had happened last night with Yue, of all people.  I hadn't yet decided what I was going to say to Yuki, except, quite possibly, the truth.  It was the only way I was going to salvage anything from the situation, if at least I had the right motivation for my actions.  "Okay," I agreed.  "Do you want to sit down?"

"I'm perfectly comfortable."

I doubted he was ever perfectly comfortable.  He stood there rigidly as if refusing to show weakness, or uncertainty, or emotion of any kind.  It was probably a good quality for the guardian entrusted to protect my sister.  It wasn't a good quality for anything else.  "Fine," I replied, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.  I wasn't going to let him tower over me like that and make me feel inferior.  He was the only one who could do that to me.  "So, what do you want to talk about?" I asked leadingly, stretching to my full height and then some as I stood before him.  This way I could look down on him instead.  It was petty, but I'd take any advantage I could get.

Yue gave me a scathing once-over, taking in my wrinkled t-shirt and shorts, but I didn't flinch.  Then he made some sort of huffing sound and pushed his long white hair out of his eyes.  "Do you know what you're doing?"

"In general?  I'd like to think so."  I didn't mean to sound so snarky.  Well, maybe I did.  It was early, after all, and I hadn't gotten much sleep.

No visual response.  Not an eye-roll, or even a scowl, other than the one he was already wearing.  He really wasn't going to give anything away.  "I'll be more specific.  Yukito is—"

I held up my hand, signaling for him to stop.  "Will he remember any of this?"  I wondered for two reasons.  First, because I was going to censor myself if he did.  There were some things I wanted him to hear directly and not through Yue.  And secondly, because if this went badly, I wouldn't want him knowing that I'd made a complete ass of myself.

"Not if I don't want him to."

"And do you?"

"It depends."

"On what?"  Keep stalling, Kinomoto.  He'll never catch on!  Pfft.  Idiot.

The best part of this childish exchange was that I irritated Yue enough to crack his stoic façade.  He sighed audibly and held out his hand.  A cold gust swirled over his palm, forming a glowing orb, and several ice crystals instantly materialized.  With subtle manipulation, the jagged shards were pointing at me.  "If you'd rather do this the hard way...."

I held up my own hands defensively.  "No, I understand quite clearly now.  Thanks for the visual aid."  The crystals vanished, and he lowered his arm to his side.  If he wanted to clear the air, whatever _that_ meant, then I was going to address my own issues.  We hadn't talked much, and if that was hindering my relationship with Yuki in any way, then I needed to get this out in the open.  "Do you like me at all?"

He looked almost taken aback by such an inquiry.  His eyes shifted to the side as he considered my question.  Did he really have to think about it?  A simple yes or no wouldn't require extensive deliberation.  After several deathly silent seconds, his silver gaze came back to me, and he answered, "I don't dislike you."

Well, let's all have a party.  "Gee, I can't tell you what that means to me," I said, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"Do you like me?" he asked flatly.

Again, it was a simple question with no simple answer.  I didn't dislike him.  We'd had such little interaction that I hadn't formed much of an opinion.  We had no relationship to speak of.  It was odd that I could be so close to Yuki without ever learning more about Yue.  Odd because Yue _was Yuki, and yet, he wasn't.  Two separate consciousnesses, two separate appearances, but just one body.  One a projection of the other, yet independent of his true nature.  This was the kind of conundrum philosophers would drool over, but it made my head hurt to think about it.  "I don't know you," I evaded.  It was the truth, though not really an answer._

"Precisely," he said with an arrogant nod.  "My feelings are irrelevant."  I wasn't sure how we'd reached that particular conclusion, but I wasn't going to be able to dwell on it right now.  "This is about Yukito."

That was true enough, but weren't they.... Forget it.  Even with a full night's sleep, I'd never be able to wrap my mind around this.  "Is he upset with me?"

"He is... confused."

Join the club.  "And it's my fault, isn't it?"  I'd finally dropped the sarcasm from my tone.  Instead it was filled with regret and worry.  I'd never meant to hurt Yuki by acting on that ridiculous impulse, but in those few seconds, I'd thought that he was feeling the same thing I was.

"It's no one's fault," Yue replied, surprising me by making his tone gentler as well.  "But, if you're not serious—"

"Have you met me?  I'm _always_ serious."  Even _I_ didn't know if I was being sarcastic or not.  God, I needed more sleep.

"Nevertheless," he continued, glaring at me for interrupting, "you need to be careful."

"I know."  Those two words had meaning beyond this superficial conversation.  We were dancing around the subject at hand, but we both understood the underlying context.  With those words, I was basically admitting my feelings, which he'd apparently already surmised.  The only one left out of the loop was Yuki.  And it was time to tell him.

He nodded again, and then closed his eyes.  His head was cocked just slightly to the side as if listening to something in the distance.  "He's awake," he said quietly, and there was a soft glow as his snowy white wings spread behind him, taking up much of the space in my room.

"Wait," I said before he could transform.  He fixed his silver eyes on me and held his wings in place.  "Is that it?"

"What else is there?"

I wasn't quite sure.  "What about us?"

He just looked at me for a moment before answering.  "I don't understand."

Neither did I.  "You and me," I clarified, even though I knew that wasn't what he'd meant.

"Yes, I got that part."

"Do you think we could be... friends?" I sounded like a child on his first day of elementary school.  "It might make things easier."  It sure as hell couldn't make them any more complicated.

He hesitated just briefly, but it was long enough to make me wish I hadn't said anything.  I was trying to understand his point of view.  He was just worried about Yuki, and, well, so was I.  Like it or not, the three of us were in this together.  We all needed to be on the same page.  "I don't know if I'll be around enough for it to matter," he answered.  My face must have fallen, because he gave me... not quite a half-smile.  A quarter-smile?  It was probably the most I'd ever get out of him.  "But... maybe."

And that was it.  His wings closed around him before I could say anything else.  He levitated slightly above the magic circle on the floor, and when his feet touched the ground again, Yuki was standing before me in his blue pajamas.    

He blinked a couple of times as he adjusted to being the one on the outside again, and he shook his head as if to clear it.  "Good morning," he said, trying to inject a bit of normality and cheerfulness into this setting.  He ran a hand through his short silver hair and stretched as he got comfortable in his body.  "Such a strange way to wake up," he mused with a sheepish smile.  "You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

I knew that I was going to have to face him, but everything I'd planned to say immediately vanished from my mind.

"So, what did you two talk about?" Yuki asked when it was clear that my awkward silence was all I had to offer at this particular moment.  His tone said that he was trying to tease, but he sounded insecure instead.

"How much did you hear?"  That came out much ruder than I'd intended.  My own insecurities were in full force.

"Something about you two being friends.  Why, was there more?"

"Not really," I lied.  Lying for no good reason.  What a great way to begin this conversation.  "Well, actually, we talked about you."

"Oh?"

He sounded surprised.  Well, what else would I be talking to Yue about?  Classic literature?  World events?  Recipes for lemon squares?

"I suppose that makes sense," he continued, looking away, and his cheeks flushed with what was probably embarrassment.  "I didn't come across very well last night.  I'm sorry about that.  Can we just forget it?"

"No."

He sighed but still didn't meet my gaze.  He bent down and picked up his blanket, shaking it out and folding it neatly, giving him something else to focus on.  I might have done the same, but I wasn't a fidgeter.  It was an avoidance tactic, and though I was good at avoidance, this wasn't the time for it.

"Listen, Yuki—"

"I know what you're going to say."

"You do?"  I didn't.

He was still fiddling with the blanket instead of looking at me.  "You don't need this right now, and that's okay.  I know you've gone through a lot lately, and seeing Mizuki-sensei again probably didn't help any—"

It was my turn to cut him off.  "But it did."  I walked over and snatched the blanket out of his restless hands, tossing it onto my bed.  "It made everything crystal clear."  In retrospect, that is, but still.

He looked at me now, and I could see both hope and fear in his hazel eyes.  There was also a lingering trace of silver, but it quickly disappeared as if its sole purpose was to remind me of what I needed to say.

"Don't you see it, too?" I asked softly.  "I can't believe that you don't.  I know you felt it.  I know you've been thinking about it for the past six hours, just like I've been."  I was basing this on all the little clues I'd gotten, from him and from Yue, but when it came right down to it, it was still a guess, and I prayed that I wasn't wrong.

There was still that little bit of fear, but it was slowly being overtaken by the hope.  "I think I did," he whispered shakily.  "If you're saying what I think you're saying, then I think I did."

"No more thinking," I said.  Thinking was good and all, but sometimes you just had to stop thinking and act.  I was slowly figuring that out.

I reached out and placed my hand against his cheek, just like I'd done so many times before, but I infused all the warmth and meaning I could into that simple gesture as I closed the space between us.

His eyes were wide, and it seemed like a replay of last night, only this time, we both knew what was going to happen.  If there was a time to stop it, it was now.  If neither of us wanted it, it wouldn't happen.

But both of us did.  If anything, last night had just made us sure of that.

He gave me a tremulous smile as he said, "I—"

I didn't let him get another word out.

It was nothing like a handshake this time.  When my lips touched his, there was definite heat.  It started slowly, just a hint of the emotions we'd hidden beginning to rise to the surface, but it built gradually until it was like nothing I could have imagined.

His hands were against my chest as if seeking stabilization, and I gripped his shoulders, looking for support myself.  It had been a long time since I'd kissed someone like this, and it felt amazing.  My heart started pumping faster as his hands clenched, clutching my cotton t-shirt in his fists.

And it just kept going.  I opened my mouth to get a better taste, and he shocked me by running his tongue over my parted lips, tasting me first.  My heart couldn't keep up, but it was desperately trying to get the blood to the necessary parts of my body so that I wouldn't pass out from the dizzying sensations as I kissed him back.  We were both so eager, taking turns exploring and being explored.  

It was a good thing that the time for thinking was over, because I couldn't form a coherent thought to save my life.  I couldn't even describe what I was feeling.  It was just.... God.  It was perfect.

We both started to feel the need for oxygen, and we finally broke apart.  My arms went around his back, and he let go of my shirt to slide his arms around my waist.  It was completely quiet, except for the occasional deep inhaling or exhaling.

Yuki stirred slightly against me, and then his body went stiff as if he just realized something.  Oh, God.  Was he already second guessing what had just happened?  But before I could worry, he relaxed again.  Whatever had briefly crossed his mind couldn't have been too bad, because he let out a contented sigh. "I love you," he said softly, lightly rubbing his cheek against my shoulder.  "I've wanted to tell you for as long as I can remember."

I held him closer and let out a sigh of my own.  A long, relieved sigh.  "Me, too," I answered as my fingers idly played with the hair at the nape of his neck.  It was true.  I'd always chalked up my attraction to him to his moon aura, but that had just been a small part of it.  It had always been more.  "I love you."  

It felt like a weight had been lifted from me.  Not that denying my feelings had been a burden, but not knowing what to do about them had kept me in a constant state of confusion and anxiety.  I'd been so afraid of putting myself out there, of giving someone the power to hurt me again.  But that fear paled in comparison to the happiness I now possessed and was sharing with him.

I'd never actually thought that anything was necessarily missing from our relationship.  But you know how they say that you don't know what you have until you lose it?  It turns out that the reverse is also true.  You don't realize what you don't have until you get it.  Then you wonder how you ever lived without it.

He pulled away from me and tugged off his glasses to wipe them on the tail of his pajama top.  I noticed they'd gotten a bit foggy, and I grinned, pretty damn pleased with myself.  He was trying to avoid my gaze, pretending to be embarrassed about it, but he started chuckling.  When he slid his glasses back on, he looked at me, and I could see his hazel eyes shining with amusement and something a little... flirty.  I'd seen that look before, but I'd never recognized it for what it was.  God, what I blind idiot I'd been.

"So, what do we do now?" he asked.

"We get dressed and go downstairs for breakfast."

He rolled his eyes with a good-natured huff of exasperation.  "And then?"

Good question.  "I don't know," I replied honestly.  It was all different now, and would definitely take some getting used to.  And not just for us.  "But I guess we'll figure it out."

"I guess we will," he agreed with a mischievous, almost cocky grin.  Was there always this side to him?

Because I liked it a lot.  

~~-~~

No, that's not the end, though I suppose it could be.  Thanks again for reading, and any comments or criticisms will be greatly appreciated.  


	10. Relief

L-chan's notes:  I'm sorry this one has been languishing while I worked on other things.  I do love this story, and knowing that other people are reading it makes writing it so much more enjoyable.  Thanks for your reviews, and I'll try to update again before the end of the year. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 10—Relief

"Kanpai!"

The four of us clinked our glasses together in celebration of the last day of school, and, more importantly, my very last day of high school forever.  I wasn't going to miss that place at all.  Seijou didn't hold any bad memories for me, necessarily, but I was just ready to move on.  Plus, no more uniform.

"And congratulations to our two graduates who'll be starting at university in two weeks," 'tou-san added, and we refilled our glasses to clink them again.

"What about me?" Sakura asked dejectedly, looking from 'tou-san, to me, and then to Yuki.  "I passed math and everything!"

"To Sakura-chan," Yuki offered, and Sakura smiled brightly at the attention.

"How exactly she passed math, the world may never know," I added with an indulgent smirk in her direction.  She just offered a sweet expression in return, but there was fire in her green eyes.

All in all, the past week had been very good to me.  There was the whole situation with Yuki, of course.  And Akizuki had gone back to England, which at the very least deserved the declaration of some sort of national holiday.  But when I found out that the Chinese gaki went back to his place of spawning, I had to restrain myself from jumping for joy.  He was Sakura's friend, and she obviously missed him, and I could sympathize with that, up to a point.  But in a wonderful little corner of my mind, it was all confetti and fireworks.  It probably wouldn't do to have an actual "Good Riddance" party, but that's what it felt like to me.

We finished our drinks and the lemon cake 'tou-san had made for the occasion, discussing our plans for the next few days we had free.  Yuki was going to work with me at the bookstore on campus, and Sakura was going on an overnight trip into the city with Tomoyo and her mother.  That left poor 'tou-san, who, unfortunately, didn't get much chance to play, as he had to prepare for the new term and a presentation for the historical society.  How he did it all, I couldn't begin to imagine.

When there was a natural pause in the conversation, I gave both Sakura and Yuki a measured look.  We'd been debating when to tell our father about our little adventures of the past months, and this was as good a time as any.  For one, we were all present, and for two, 'tou-san was on his second drink, which would surely make it much easier for him to accept our slightly unbelievable tale.

Sakura then shared a look with Yuki, and he nodded.  She nodded back and got up from the sofa.  "I have to get something from my room," she said with shaky cheer.  "Nobody go anywhere, okay?"

That left the three of us to sit in silence and regard each other carefully.  I checked to make sure Yuki was ready to reveal his true identity to someone else, and he gave me a nervous smile.  I barely stopped myself from clasping his hand and transferring my strength to him.  His hazel eyes met mine warmly, telling me that he knew what I was thinking, and that was enough to make him relax.   

My eyes traveled over to 'tou-san, who had a little smile of his own.  As always, his expression was serene and just a bit mysterious, as if he had knowledge of things he shouldn't.  It must be part of being a parent.  Parents seemed to know everything, no matter how much you tried to hide it.

He'd been observing our unspoken exchange and lifted his eyebrows inquisitively.  "Something you want to tell me?" he asked, and it sounded like he was trying not to laugh.

Like a jet plane, his meaning went right over my head.  "When Sakura gets back," I replied.  "This is mainly about her, after all."

Now my father looked confused.  "Oh?  But I thought—"

Sakura came back into the room as quietly as a mouse, and I only noticed when Yuki's and 'tou-san's expressions changed.  One had magical perception, and the other parental.  Why couldn't I develop some sort of instinct when it came to her?  What kind of brother was I if I couldn't even keep track of her and watch out for her properly?

She stood before us, clutching her pink book in one hand and the yellow plushie in the other.  She shifted from one foot to the other, obviously wondering how to begin.  She looked to Yuki again—something she seemed to do a lot lately—and he gave her an encouraging smile.  That shouldn't have bothered me, but a tiny voice told me that my position as onii-chan was in danger of being usurped.  At the very least, I'd have to share the honor.  Except Yuki was the nice one, and I was the mean one.  Well, I could deal with _that_.

"Otou-san," Sakura said anxiously.  "There's someone you need to meet."  His eyebrows were again inquisitive.  "Please don't get upset," she continued quickly.  "We'll explain everything."

She let go of the plushie, and he hovered in the air on his own with a slight flutter of his wings.  "Hello," Kerberos said cheerfully with high-pitched enthusiasm.  "It's nice to finally meet you."

My father, always one to remain composed no matter what the situation, could only reply calmly, "Yes.  Thank you."  It was an automatic response, because only when the words were out did he realize what he'd said.  "Dear God, it talks!"

The rest of us found this extremely funny for some reason, and we all laughed from a combination of nervousness and relief.  Only 'tou-san could express surprise in such a polite manner.  _Oh, a talking stuffed animal.  How unusual.  More tea, anyone?_

He then shook the ice cubes in his otherwise empty glass, possibly considering that his two drinks were responsible for this strange hallucination.  "You all heard that, right?  It wasn't just me?"

Kerberos floated over to my father and nodded.  "That's right.  I am Kerberos, the Guardian Beast of the Seal."  It was the same way he'd introduced himself to me, only 'tou-san didn't snicker like I had.  He was taking this very seriously.

"The Guardian what?"  He looked to me, but I pointed to Sakura.  This was her story, not mine.  I was just an observer here.  And a very entertained one.

Sakura brought her book over and sat on the sofa's arm next to our father.  "Do you remember this book?" she asked.  "I found it in the basement two years ago.  It looked a little different then.  It was red and said 'Clow' instead of 'Sakura,' but it's the same book."

"I think I have a vague recollection of that," he answered, his confused eyes still on the animated plushie.  "I don't know where it came from.  It's just something I've always had."

She proceeded to tell him about opening the book and scattering the cards, casting an annoyed glance at her guardian beast, who had been sleeping at the time and thus let the cards get away.  Of course, at this point, Kerberos had to argue with her about who was responsible for what, and 'tou-san's eyes bounced back and forth between the two of them as if he were watching a heated tennis match.

While the three of them were engaged in getting the whole story told, complete with questions from 'tou-san and revisionist history from the plushie, I found myself distracted.  Sometime during all of this, Yuki's hand had found its way onto mine.  I looked at him, expecting to see some sort of secret smile, but instead he looked worried.  "Maybe I shouldn't be here," he whispered.  "How is he going to feel when he finds out what I did to Sakura-chan?"

My fingers curled around his, and I gave his hand a quick squeeze.  "It wasn't you," I reminded him quietly.  "It was Yue, and he was just doing his job.  Everything worked out just as it was supposed to.  We all understand that."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

It was suddenly silent in the room.  We both felt our faces flush as we turned and found three pairs of curious eyes regarding us.  I snatched my hand away, not missing the brief flash of hurt in Yuki's eyes.  I regretted it as soon as I did it.  It was a reflex.  It had nothing to do with him.  It was all about me and my reluctance to show affection so obviously in front of other people, even if they were my family.  I was going to have to apologize to him later.

My father graciously ignored the hand-holding and focused on the topic of discussion.  "So," he said, addressing Yuki, "you have magic, too?"

"Well, yes and no," Yuki answered, keeping a slight distance from me now.  That hurt, but I deserved it.  "Yue is the magical part of me.  Or, rather, I'm the non-magical part of him.  I only found out about him recently, myself."  He said this with a self-conscious laugh.

If 'tou-san was able to accept a talking toy, then this was a little harder to comprehend.  "But, you're the same person, right?"

"Yes, but, not exactly."  He looked to Sakura for help, but she shrugged.  She couldn't explain it any better, and I knew I couldn't, either.

"Yue-san is my guardian, like Kero-chan," she said.  "But when he's not needed, we get to have Yukito-san, instead."  She said this happily, making sure Yuki knew that his company was always appreciated, and usually preferred.

My father nodded and then looked at me.  "I have a feeling you fit into all this somehow."  I'd kept quiet for most of the discussion, because most of what I knew I'd only heard about, rather than being directly involved in any of it.  My part was minor and very recent.

So I nodded back at him.  "With Sakura's magic power still maturing," I said, for lack of a better way to phrase it, "she didn't have much energy to spare.  And since Yue required magic energy to sustain him, he had to find another source."

I waited to see if he understood what I meant.  I could tell he was trying to.  "So, that's why he needs to be near you?  To draw on your energy?"

I knew he didn't mean to make Yue sound like a parasite, but Yuki did flinch a little at this description.  Maybe it was residual guilt.  "Actually, I gave him my magic.  I don't have... I'm just normal now."

My father was an extremely intelligent man, and his ability to put facts together and draw accurate conclusions was what made him such a brilliant historian.  "That's why you were sleeping all the time, and eating like food was going out of style."

I grinned sheepishly.  "Pretty much."

Then he looked at Yuki again.  "But you're still eating like that.  Does that mean—?"

"Oh, no," Yuki reassured him before he could finish.  "I just like food.  It's something Kerberos-san and I have in common."

"This all makes sense now," 'tou-san said with obvious relief.  We all exchanged glances, wondering ourselves if maybe he'd had a bit too much to drink.  There was no way this could possibly make sense to anyone.  I still had trouble sometimes.  "No matter how much food I buy, it's always disappearing.  I thought I was losing my mind."

"Sorry about that," Kerberos answered.  He was sitting on the table with a fork in his little paw and a crumb-filled plate in front of him.  "But this cake is delicious."  He'd managed to finish it off while we were talking.

"Kero-chan!"  Sakura used this opportunity to chastise her gluttonous guardian and send him upstairs, which would have been more of a punishment if his video game system hadn't been in her room.

After we finally finished the long and tangled story, my father collected the dishes to take to the kitchen, and Yuki and I helped, carrying the glasses.  "So, everything's okay now, right?"

"Yeah, it's fine," I answered.  "You're taking all this really well."

He gave us a weary smile.  "I don't think it has all sunk in yet.  Part of me keeps expecting to wake up at any second.  I mean, the magic doesn't really surprise me.  I always knew that you children were gifted.  But, this talk of judgments and battles and tests...."  Thinking about it was making him worry retroactively.  "And Sakura-san is all right?  I can't believe she's been in some kind of danger all this time, and—"

"She's okay," I assured him.  "It's all over now.  And she was never alone in this."

"That's right," Yuki added.  "I know Li-kun was always with her, and Yue and Kerberos-san are her protectors."

"And she's actually very brave and capable," I said, tossing a quick glance behind me to make sure she didn't hear that.  She was still cleaning up the living room and therefore out of earshot.  "You'd be proud of her."

"I am.  But I still think I need to lie down before dinner."  My father was too understanding and accepting for his own good sometimes, because we'd taken advantage of that.  He was obviously overwhelmed by all of this, but there wasn't any other way to tell him.  We had to tell it all at once.  "And you two?  Anything else you want to say?" he asked with a pointed look.

"No, I think we covered it all," I replied.

But after 'tou-san went upstairs, Yuki turned to me with an annoyed look of his own.  "He knows."

"Yeah, we just told him."

He took my hand and grasped it tightly, raising them both together to make sure I got his point.  "No, I mean he _knows_."  Then he dropped my hand just as quickly as he'd taken it.

"Oh."  Of course he knew.  Like I said, very little gets past my father.  And our holding hands on the couch was a pretty big clue.

"Oh?  That's all you have to say?" he asked, sounding upset.  "He asked us twice about it, and both times, you let it go."

Because I'd been completely oblivious.  "Now, Yuki—"

"Are you embarrassed about this or something?"

"What?  No."  This was bad.  I'd honestly had no idea, though I probably should have.  "You know I love you, but—"

"There's a 'but?'"

Oh, God.  There was a "but."

There was something that I hadn't told Yuki, and that was that it still hurt to be around him.  Having him nearby just intensified the feeling of emptiness that wouldn't go away.  It wasn't as unbearable as it had been that first week, and most days, I was able to banish it to the back of my mind, but it was always there.  I'd finally come to accept that.

But when we were together, it was like my soul recognized its missing piece in him.  And rather than being comforted by its presence, it wanted to reclaim what it had lost.  

It wasn't his fault, and there was nothing he could do about it.  It was something I had to live with.  I didn't want him feeling guilty on top of everything else.  I just wanted everything to be normal.  Was that so much?

"But," I continued, letting less than a second go by as I contemplated what I was really feeling, "I don't know why we have to go announcing it.  If he knows, that's fine.  I want him to know."

"But," Yuki said, mimicking my reluctant tone as he stepped closer to me, "a private person such as yourself isn't comfortable with big scenes, and you'd prefer everyone just assume that we're together and leave it at that."

That was exactly right.  "It sounds so bad when you say it."

He actually laughed at that.  "I know how you are."

"It's just... it's my life, you know?  Why is it anyone else's business?"

"You're right," he conceded.  "But since it's mine, too, I think your family deserves to know without having to assume, and I should be able to tell people if I want to."

That was fair enough, so I nodded.  Although I was curious as to what he meant by that.  "Like who?"

"Like... Akizuki-san, for example?" he said with a mischievous sparkle in his hazel eyes.  "Can I tell her?"

"Oh, God, please do," I replied with an exasperated sigh.  "Just in case being halfway around the world isn't enough to discourage her."

"Quite an ego on you, Kinomoto.  Do you think she's desperately pining away for you?" he teased.

I doubted it, but there was something ego-boosting about the thought.  "Wouldn't you be?" I retorted as seriously as I could.

He rolled his eyes.  "Please.  Like I couldn't do better."

"Idiot."  I really did have a bad habit of keeping my feelings inside, of wanting things to be private.  I needed to learn to consider what he wanted, too.  "I do love you, you know."

"I know.  Me, too."

He was looking at me with the most amazing expression, and I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him.  My hand found his cheek, and his rested on my waist, but before our lips could meet, I heard a loud squeal, and I jumped away from him in shock.

Sakura had chosen that moment to come into the kitchen.  There was a look of utter delight on her face, and she clapped her hands with excitement.  "I knew it!"

She skipped over to me and tried to hug me, while at the same time I pretended to push her away.  "Quit it!  You're getting your kaijuu germs all over me," I protested weakly.

As usual, she paid no attention, and she pulled me down to her level.  "You'd better be nice to him," she whispered sternly.  Then she hugged Yuki, and I could have sworn she whispered the exact same thing to him.  He looked at me over the top of her head and gave me a smile that said we'd pick up where we left off later.

So now Sakura knew, and 'tou-san knew.  Our little secret was out.  I should have been relieved.  I was.  This was what I wanted, and I was happy.  Right?

But there was still a nagging uneasiness tugging at my mind, and I knew it wouldn't stop until I'd found something to fill that void in me.  And I knew I'd have to find it, whatever it was, on my own.

And when I did, then I'd be whole again.

~~-~~

This chapter is very expository and serves as a "catch-up," which, while irritatingly filler-y, is necessary before moving on.  However, if you were happy with the last chapter and feel that it was satisfying as an end to this story, you may want to go with that feeling.  Thanks again for reading, everyone.


	11. Dynamics

L-chan's notes:  I'm sorry the updates are slow in coming, but I really appreciate everyone sticking with me and giving me such encouraging comments.  Thanks! 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 11—Dynamics

It didn't take long at all to adjust to university life.  I much preferred it to high school, even if it did mean I still had to live at home.  That turned out to be for the best anyway, since it allowed me to keep an eye on Sakura when our father worked long hours, just like I always had.  That bit of normalcy and consistency in life was welcome.

It was after a busy day filled with soccer practice, lectures, and my part-time job that I was trying to slog through my chemistry assignment.  I'd enrolled in one of the more difficult classes, thinking that I'd enjoy the challenge, only to find that it was a complete nightmare.  Maybe I was just tired, but nothing was making any sense.

Yuki stood behind me as I worked at my desk, trying to get me to take a break.  I couldn't.  I had to understand this.  If I stopped now, I'd just have to start all over again later.  I was so close to getting it.  I only needed a few more minutes, and then it would all become clear.

"To-ya," he said softly, "you're going to make yourself crazy.  Just put it away for now."

"In a minute," I answered brusquely.

I felt his hands on my shoulders, and his fingers began kneading my stiff muscles.  "You're so tense," he said, still in that quiet, gentle tone.  "I don't know why you're pushing yourself like this."

The repetitive, soothing movements of his fingers massaging me was distracting, but, God, it felt good.  Where did he learn to do that?  "I can't slack off," I said, turning the page in my text.  "My course load is really demanding."

"Because you signed up for it," he reminded me.  "You don't have to take on so much.  It's only the first term."  His persuasive fingers kept moving, the pressure increasing, but I tried to shrug him away as I scribbled formulas in my notebook.  When I looked at what I'd written, it was all just a bunch of gibberish.  "We should go out," he said as I turned to a fresh page and started over.

"Uh huh, in a minute."  Okay, if the molality of the solution per liter is... which means the number of grams is....  Dammit, I know this stuff.

"I keep hearing about that new jazz club near campus.  We could check it out."

"Yeah, that sounds good."  But if the density is... then what is the mole fraction?  That's a very good question.  Concentrate, Kinomoto.

"You like jazz."

"Uh huh."  Okay.  I almost had it.

"And Sakura-chan has decided to join a motorcycle gang and terrorize Tomoeda."

"Yeah, that's fine."

Yuki suddenly reached in front of me and slammed my textbook shut.

"What the hell was that for?" I asked, twisting around in my chair.

"I'm calling an end to this," he said, crossing his arms determinedly.  "You have the rest of the weekend to study."

"But—"

"No buts," he ordered.  "I don't want to see you walking around like a zombie because you're working yourself to death.  We're going to do something fun tonight, whether you like it or not."

I just stared at him for a second before I burst out laughing.  I couldn't help it.  There was nothing in the world funnier than Yuki trying to be stern.  It just didn't suit him at all.  "You're right," I said, quickly composing myself.  "I'm sorry."

"No, I know," he said, giving me an indulgent smile.  "But you do need to slow down and take it easy once in a while, or you're going to burn out."

I knew I'd signed up for too much, but that was what I needed right now.  I needed to be doing something at every moment.  It was the only way I was going to figure out what I wanted.

I liked working at the campus bookstore.  It was the first job I'd kept for longer than a week, only because I was seeking stability.  Floating from one thing to another was fine when I was in high school, but now it was time to get serious.  The steady hours and steady pay were good, even if I didn't see myself continuing such a line of work in the future.  But it would do while I waited for my calling to make itself known to me.

The classes I'd signed up for weren't much help, either.  I'd thought taking these science courses would give me some ideas.  Despite my present frustration with my chemistry assignment, it was something I both enjoyed and excelled in.  Science was something that made sense to me.  There was something comforting about the logic of it.  No matter how uncertain the world seemed at times, there was always an underlying reason for everything.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Matter can be neither created nor destroyed.  It's all about balance.  See, comforting.  Well, to me, anyway.

Add chemistry to my classes in philosophy, literature, history, and economics, and it was a buffet of choices for someone with a big empty plate staring back at him.  But nothing seemed right.  I didn't want to be a doctor, or a writer, or an archaeologist.  I didn't want to work in an office or a research center.  All I knew was that I wanted to do something where I could help people.  That sure narrowed it down, didn't it?

"So, are we going?" Yuki asked now, and I realized I'd been lost in my own thoughts again.  I didn't mean to withdraw like that.

"Sure.  Just a second."  I pulled a more appropriate shirt out of my closet and buttoned it over my white t-shirt so I wouldn't look like a complete slob.  "Should we ask Sakura to come with us?"

"She'd probably be bored," he replied, and there was a slight edge to his words.  I brushed it off as impatience.

"Yeah, but let me check."  I went to her room and knocked on her door.  "Hey, kaijuu," I said, letting myself in before she answered.

"You're supposed to wait to be invited in," she scolded, not turning around from her desk.

Kerberos was sitting in front of her television playing some video game, and he made an irritated shushing noise at us.  "I'm trying to get to the next level," he said.

We all ignored him.  "Sakura, we're going out.  Want to come?"

"I don't think so."  She said this distractedly as she focused on the pink sheet of stationery in front of her.

"What are you writing?" I asked.

She hastily turned the sheet over and gave me a glare.  "None of your business."

"Are you writing to that gaki again?"

"What part of 'none of your business' did you not understand?"

I sighed.  We'd been through this before.  "I don't know why that gaki—"

"He is not a gaki!" she said defensively.

"Is too!" my inner twelve-year-old shot back.

"Is not!"

"Whoa, separate corners, guys," Yuki broke in.

"Is that why you don't want to come?" I asked, hoping I sounded like an adult again.  I was so tired of seeing her moping around.  Even since that gaki left the country, she'd had this wistful expression.  She was too young to be pining away for anyone, and the fact that it was that little punk just made my blood boil.  She'd never said so, but I knew.

"Besides," she said now, still glaring at me.  I glared back.  So much for being the grown-up here.  "Otou-san said I could invite Tomoyo-chan over tonight.  She'll be here soon."

"Well, okay," I agreed slowly.  Tomoyo would probably bring an armload of videotapes with her again, giving Sakura more to moon over.

"Really?" she asked sarcastically.  "Is it really okay with you?  You're not going to stand over me and watch my every move?"  Where did that attitude come from?  Oh, that's right.  Growing up.  And it was all just beginning.

I tried to soften my approach.  "I'm just worried about you."

"I'm fine."  Sakura waved her arms around as if this proved anything.  "See?  You don't have to smother me."

"Sakura-chan," Yuki said gently.  She looked at him, her green eyes large and round, and immediately all the hostility left her posture.  That was all it took.  He had that effect on people.  He whispered something to her, and she listened attentively before nodding.

"Okay," she answered softly.  Her tone was totally different than it was with me.  But I was used to that.  Then she gave him a sweet smile, and I knew I'd been had.  

She probably thought I didn't see her stick her tongue out at me as we left her room.  I had to stop myself from returning the gesture before shutting the door.  Very mature.

But I could sympathize with her.  Twelve had been tough for me, too.  I'd had more responsibility around the house.  'Tou-san was working longer hours, which meant that most of the time, I was looking after my five-year-old sister.  There she was, so little and trying to understand why her mother went away and why her father was so busy all the time, and it fell to me to explain things to her.  Things I still hadn't understood myself.

When things got to be too much for me to handle, 'kaa-san would pay me a visit.  She'd tell me how proud she was, that I was such a good little adult, that she was glad 'tou-san had me and Sakura to help him.

Then, as I'd approached my fourteenth birthday, her visits became shorter and less frequent.  She wasn't going to be able to see me as much anymore.  That was how she'd put it—that she was seeing me, and not the other way around.

_It will be easier for you_, she'd said.  _Someday we won't be able to see each other anymore.  It was as if she knew the choice I'd eventually have to make._

Soon after that, she stopped visiting me altogether.

And then I'd met Kaho.

At first, Kaho had been someone I went to for guidance and comfort.  With her kindness and understanding, she was almost a mother substitute for me.  Which made the way our relationship progressed all the more inappropriate.  Maybe there was a twisted part of me that was attracted to her _because she reminded me of my mother.  Maybe I really did have some deeply rooted oedipal issues._

I stopped thinking about that before it went down an even weirder path.

"Am I smothering her?" I asked Yuki now.

"You're just being an older brother."

"That's not what I asked."

He looked at me and shook his head, but his next words contradicted the gesture.  "Maybe a little.  But that's just how you are."

That wasn't very reassuring.  "Then what am I supposed to do?"

"Leave her alone?"  I scowled at this suggestion.  "She's growing up.  She's not going to need you as much anymore."

But that was my job.  If she didn't need me, then, honestly, what was I supposed to do?

He saw that I didn't take to that.  "She'll always need you," he corrected himself.  "Just in a different way."

"How do you know that?  You don't even have—"  _You don't even have a family.  I couldn't believe I'd almost said that.  "—a little sister," I finished lamely._

"Maybe not, but she's the closest thing I have.  I love her almost as much as you do.  And if she says she needs a little breathing room, then I think we should give it to her."

He slipped that "we" in there to make me feel better.  "Of course you take her side," I said, but I felt one corner of my mouth lift, taking the annoyance out of my words.

"It's not about sides," he reminded me.

"I know."

As we headed downstairs, the doorbell rang.  "I've got it," I called to the rest of the house.

It was Tomoyo, just as Sakura had mentioned.  "Good evening," she said with a shy little smile.

"Good evening, Tomoyo-chan.  How are you?" Yuki replied with his typical friendly ease as I held the door open.

"Fine, thank you.  I'm staying with Sakura-chan."  She awkwardly held up her large overnight bag.  "I brought some videos she wanted to watch."

I knew it.  "She's in her room," I told her, jerking my thumb toward the ceiling.  "You can go on up."

"Need some help with your things?" Yuki asked.  Damn, I should have thought of that.  Her bag did look heavy, and I was a clod not to offer to carry it for her.

"No, thank you."  She smiled again before hefting the bag over her shoulder and going upstairs.  She was one of the most polite and soft-spoken people I'd ever known.  'Kaa-san had been like that, too.

I'd been about to shut the door when Tomoyo's mother came up the walk.  She was finishing up a call on her cell phone and signaled an apology to me as she told the person on the other end that she'd get back with them tomorrow.  "I'm sorry," she said, stashing the phone away.  "I was going to walk up with Tomoyo, but...."  She didn't finish her sentence as she shifted her briefcase to her now-free right hand.  "Your father should be expecting me," she explained.  "We have a little business to discuss."  

I stepped aside to let my mother's cousin in.  Actually, I supposed she was _my cousin, too.  Which also made Tomoyo my cousin.  I wondered why that hadn't occurred to me before.  Probably because we'd never really been treated like family by the Amamiyas.  "How are you, Sonomi-san?" I asked._

"I'm well, thank you."  Her violet eyes regarded Yuki with barely concealed curiosity.  "I'm sorry; I don't think we've ever been introduced."  She managed to be straight-forward without being rude.  It was impressive, and a little intimidating.

"I'm Yukito Tsukishiro," he answered.  "Touya's... friend."

Now her eyes imperceptibly glanced between the two of us.  "Oh, I see," she replied.  "I'm Sonomi Daidouji.  It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too, Daidouji-san."

This was strange, our little group standing just inside the front door.  "Can I get you anything, Sonomi-san?"

Before she could respond, my father appeared.  "Sorry, sorry," he said with a sheepish smile.  "I had to finish what I was doing before I lost my place.  We can talk in my study, Sonomi-kun.  Would you like some tea?"

"No, thank you.  I can only stay a few minutes.  I have the papers you need, but I want to go over them with you, in case...."  The sounds of their conversation drifted off as they walked away, and then I heard a door close.

"I wonder what that's about," I mused to myself.  I didn't realize I'd said it aloud until Yuki gave me a poke in the ribs with his elbow.

"I suppose we could stay and find out," he said, and he pretended to resign himself to the fact that we were never going to leave this house.

"Well, you can, if you want," I said as I sat down to pull on my sneakers, "but I'm going out."  If there was anything I needed to know about, 'tou-san would tell me.  And if there wasn't, I could pester him relentlessly until I wore him down.

"Place is probably closed by now," Yuki muttered under his breath, but then he looked at me and grinned.

I did want to go.  I'd been too busy and distracted lately.  The fact that I couldn't concentrate on anything for more than a minute made it abundantly clear that I needed a night out.  A break.  A chance to wipe my mind free of everything school and family related.  I needed to relax and have some fun.  I'd never been very good at letting myself do that.

"Although," I said, keeping my tone completely serious, "I haven't even started my philosophy paper."  I added an exaggerated sigh for effect, but I knew it was too much, because his response was to laugh.

"Neither have I," he admitted.  "If you come over tomorrow, we can work on them together."

That sounded like a setup for something else entirely.  I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him.  "We've been spending an awful lot of time together.  Aren't you sick of me yet?"

"Not yet," he replied with feigned seriousness.  "But I'm sure it's just a matter of time."

Everything always was.

~~-~~

I apologize for the many falling plot anvils in this chapter.  If you managed to dodge them, I hope you'll leave a review.  Thanks for reading, gang.


	12. Oblivion

L-chan's notes:  I'm slowly getting back into writing after taking quite the hiatus from my "epics" (I've been focusing on one-shots instead).  Thanks for coming back for the new chapter. 

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 12—Oblivion

He was back.

And worse, he was in _my_ house, sitting with _my_ sister, and eating _my_ food.

Even after he left, I was still grumbling.  I grumbled and glowered all through dinner, and Yuki knew enough to let me stew in peace.  He knew there wasn't anything he could say to make me feel any better about this.  Sakura had been too happy to see that gaki.  She'd looked too comfortable and content sitting at the table with him.  I hated it.  I wanted her to be happy, but...

I didn't want to lose her.  And I was going to.  Not now, but someday.  And maybe not even to him.  Well, I was just fooling myself on that one.  It would be him.  I could feel it, magic or not.  It was there.  It had always been there.  And I hated it.

"This works out good for me," Yuki said suddenly as we were washing the dishes.

"How so?"  I hoped he hadn't said already.  I hadn't been paying attention.

"Well, if Sakura-chan is busy rehearsing her play and spending time with Li-kun, then she and Tomoyo-chan can't ask Yue to be in any more videos."

That finally got a laugh out of me.  I'd never quite known what to make of Tomoyo's fascination with making videos, but her insistence on filming had kept Sakura occupied whenever she needed it most.  Just when my sister would start to lose her cheerfulness, Tomoyo would bring over a wildly designed costume and remind Sakura that each of her cards' abilities needed to be properly showcased and documented.  Maybe part of that was true, but I knew that she was just being a good friend.  I'd have to remember to thank her for that.

Plus, I knew Yue found the play-acting undignified and only tolerated it for Sakura's sake, and though I was grateful for that, too, I knew he'd appreciate the break.

But no break for me, even though it was summer.  "I can't believe we got stuck working at the ice cream parlor," I said, trying not to sound like I was whining.  "Of all the assignments for the festival, why did we have to end up with that one?"

"I think it sounds fun," Yuki replied.

"It sounds fun, but it isn't.  I've done it before, remember?  After the first twenty or thirty kids, you'll want to drown yourself in the chocolate sauce.  Not only do they change their minds about a hundred times, but they all want to talk at once.  Or they'll drop their cone on the ground and want another one, or—"

"You had me at chocolate sauce," he joked.  "Any place with a vat of chocolate sauce big enough to drown in can't be all bad."

"Well, don't say I didn't warn you."

"I thought we wanted the same assignment.  Are you trying to discourage me now?"

"Not at all."  But it was coming out that way, and I didn't know why.  I wanted to be with him every chance I had, especially now that we had some time off from school.  The only classes we'd shared during the spring term were philosophy and history, and those met on the same days.  The rest of the week, I was in the sciences building, while he stayed in the humanities department.  It was certainly different from high school.  "Besides, you'll look cute in the little paper hat," I teased.

"I always love a job with hats.  Makes me feel official and important."

"You are so strange."

"That's what you love about me."

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn't help smiling at him.  "Yeah.  But still, you're very weird."

"Oh, and you aren't?"  Yuki held up a finger and pretended to count off my various idiosyncrasies.  "Let's start with your incredibly large sister complex.  I'm sorry, but I believe people write books about such things."  A second finger joined the first.  "And then there's your complete oblivion when it comes to how people feel about you.  They have to jump on you like Akizuki-san before you get the first clue."

"You never did that."

"I pride myself on restraint."

It was a very Yue-like thing for him to say.  Even his voice had changed pitch slightly, but nothing else seemed to indicate that he was speaking for anyone but himself.  "Restraint, huh?  Like the three plates of spaghetti you just finished?"

"I could have had four."

"Then I'm impressed."  I'd distracted him from his list of my faults.  I knew it could go on forever, and I didn't need them all numbered and categorized for me.  The dishes were done now, and I tossed my towel onto the counter.  "Now what?  Want to watch a movie or something?"  It was liberating to have a choice other than homework for a change.

"Okay," he answered with very little enthusiasm, and I shot him a confused look.  But then he kissed me, and I understood.  Yes, I could be oblivious, couldn't I?

***

We were going to miss Sakura's play.  She'd been working so hard, and she was so proud of the production.  I wanted to see it, and I knew 'tou-san did, too.  He missed so many of our school festivals over the years, and this was his first chance in a long time to attend.  He'd even called to remind me about it, but I hadn't forgotten.

And, of course, she'd invited Yuki.  I think she invited _me_ just to have an excuse to invite him as well.  The dynamic in their relationship had changed slightly, but she still treated him with the same respect and deference, even though, technically, she was the boss of him.  It just made her uncomfortable to treat him that way.  She'd never had that problem with me.

She'd given us the school's performance schedule, and the play was last on the list, right after Tomoyo's song.  Well, we were just going to have to miss the song.  The ice cream parlor was supposed to close by now, but no one had shown up to dismiss us.

That wasn't the only reason I had a bad feeling about the evening ahead.  For some reason, I'd been wary all day.  School plays were practically cursed whenever we were involved with them.  Something always went wrong.  I still had nightmares about the play I'd done junior year.  Of course, those nightmares had nothing to do with collapsing sets or falling fifteen feet, and everything to do with a hideous pink dress.  

"We have to go," I muttered, turning the overhead lights out.  "If we miss this, Sakura will be crushed."

"I know," Yuki replied.  "I want to see her, too.  We've got a few minutes yet."

But they were quickly ticking away.  "Can't we just go?"

"Don't be so impatient."

"Don't be so patronizing."

"Don't be so grouchy."

"Don't be so bossy."

"Don't be so—"  Yuki stopped when the project supervisor finally arrived.  She waved us away without a word.  No explanation, no apology... nothing.  I didn't think I'd even heard her speak since the whole thing started.

"Come on, let's go," I said, halfway out the door.

"Can't we change first?"

"No time."

No time was right.  We rushed down the street to the stage area, and sure enough, the play had already started.  I couldn't believe that was my little kaijuu up there.  She looked so beautiful and grown up, just like a princess.  That she was able to pull it off just as well as when she'd played the prince last—

Wait a minute.  What was that gaki doing up there with her?  I almost didn't notice him at first, because I'd thought one of the boys in her class was playing the prince this time.  How did that punk manage to sneak in there?  He didn't even go to their school anymore.

It bugged me for much of the story.  I couldn't concentrate on what they were saying, because I just wanted to throttle that Chinese kid.  Dancing with my sister, looking at her like that... it didn't sit well with me at all.  Which was probably why she hadn't told me about it.

I tried to distract myself from the increasingly violent thoughts I was having by looking around for my father.  Yuki saw what I was doing, and he noticed 'tou-san first.  "Over there," he whispered, pointing to the middle of the audience.

My father was sitting with Tomoyo's mother, which struck me as odd, though not as odd as it might have before.  They'd certainly become chummy lately.  Not only was 'tou-san going to Sonomi for investment advice, but he'd told Sakura and me that, as Nadeshiko's children, we were being legally written back into the family.  The Amamiyas were finally bringing us into the fold, though only in the most superficial of ways, and Sonomi acted as their liaison.  It might sound cold, but there was still a lot of unresolved resentment to work through before the three of us would feel completely welcome in their presence.

"Look," Yuki whispered now, tugging on my arm to drag my attention back to the play.

Oh, God.  Did I really have to witness this?  Now that gaki was down on his knee, telling my precious sister that he loved her.  There was no acting involved here.  I'd seen him act, and he was even worse than I was.  No, these lines, even if they weren't his own words, were his own feelings.

Damn, I hate that gaki. I hate him a lot. If my hatred were measured on a scale from one to ten, it would come in somewhere around two hundred and forty-nine. I rounded down. And then subtracted about six hundred. Because even in the privacy of my own thoughts, I didn't want to sound like a complete asshole.

"Isn't it sweet?" Yuki whispered as my hands clenched and unclenched, longing to close around that little punk's neck.

Then there was a crash.  Something fell, and the lights went out.  People in the crowd screamed, and I lost sight of my sister.  "Sakura?"

"She's okay," Yuki assured me.  He could sense her like I no longer could, and I was grateful for that.  I took his hand and squeezed it briefly, and he returned the squeeze before letting go.  A panic crossed through his eyes right before there was another crash, like he could sense it before it even happened.  It was louder and closer this time, and suddenly, I couldn't see anything anymore.

I felt it now, too.  The emptiness at the core of my being expanded, spreading until I felt like I was being consumed by it.  I called out for my sister, and before everything turned black, I heard Yuki's voice respond.  Though I would have sworn I saw Yue.

Only he'd never used my name before.

***

I woke up on the ground.  It had happened again, but it wasn't my fault this time.  At least, I didn't think it was.  I couldn't really remember.  I stood up and took a careful look around.  Everyone seemed as disoriented as I was.  That was comforting.  That meant it wasn't just me.

"To-ya!"  Yuki ran up to me, appearing out of nowhere, relief lighting up his face.  "You're okay?"

"I think so," I answered.  Then I realized he was alone.  "Sakura?  Is she—?"

"Kerberos-san went to check on her.  And Yue says she's fine," he reassured me.  "Though last he saw her, she was...."  His words trailed off as he started walking.  "This way."

I followed him, right on his heels like a well-trained puppy, until I was even with him, like a... well, like me, who hated being left behind.  "What happened?" I asked.  He'd mentioned Yue, so I hadn't imagined that after all.  It was probably a magic related incident.  I'd thought that was all over.

"It was a card," Yuki said after a brief pause.  He must have been getting this information second hand as well.  Or else he was trying to sift through the memories.  I still wished I knew how that worked, how Yue decided what Yuki needed to know and when he needed to know it, but this wasn't the time to worry about that.

"A card?  I thought she had them all."

"So did we," Yuki answered.  "Only Clow-san knew about it."

I realized how distant he sounded.  Was he withdrawing again, or just trying to figure out what had happened?  I hoped it was the latter.

"A card," I prompted when he didn't continue.  "What did it do?"

"What do you remember?"

I remembered the emptiness.  It had felt as strong as it did when I'd first given up my power, but now it was just that same dull ache again.  "Just that everything seemed to be fading, and then I must have passed out."

There was another significant pause.  "No.  You disappeared."

"Disappeared?"

"That's what the card does.  It has a negative energy, to balance the positive energy of the other cards.  Those are all used to create things, but this one erases them."

"But, that's not possible," I said.  The science geek in me wouldn't accept it.  "Things can't just disappear.  They have to go somewhere."

"They become energy.  They increase the card's power."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Magic is like science," Yuki said, putting it in terms I would understand.  Though what I heard was Yue giving me a lecture on the subject.  "It has its own logic and rules it must follow.  Within that context, it makes sense."  Definitely Yue.  "And it wasn't just you.  It was everyone.  We... we were all gone.  But, Sakura-chan and Li-kun... I guess they were able to stop it."

Once again, I owed that gaki for saving my sister.  She was strong enough to master the cards, but she still needed him to help her.  In some way, his power made her stronger.  Or maybe it wasn't just his power.  Maybe it was his feelings for her.  And that made me madder than any other explanation.

"Well, now that his work here is done, he can go back to Hong Kong," I sneered.

"Perhaps.  But I wouldn't count on him staying there," Yuki replied.

"Why?  What do you know?"

"I don't know anything," he answered.  "It's just a feeling I have."

I huffed.  "You sound like Kaho."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You shouldn't."

"Even so."

We kept walking toward the new amusement park.  And then, there they were—Sakura, Tomoyo, Kerberos, the gaki, and his cousin.  Tomoyo had her video camera in one hand as she directed everyone where to stand.  Kerberos and the gaki's cousin were arguing about something, but they both looked pretty pleased with themselves.  Sakura was absolutely beaming, and that gaki stood next to her, looking both embarrassed and happy.

Dammit.

I had officially lost my sister.  I knew it was coming.  I knew it.  And that didn't make it any better.

At least I still had Yuki.  

~~-~~

A little bit filler-y, and I'm sure it's now obvious why I stay away from magic-based plots.  Thanks again for reading, and please review, good _or_ bad.  Feedback is a great motivator.

This chapter was posted on February 29, 2004.  So, happy birthday, Touya!  Sorry for all the crap I'm putting you through in this story.  Still love me?  Hello?


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